Here is where we are at today. Older kiddo was moved out of our house a couple months ago. Good grief was that hard. I have some residual resentment towards DHS for what I consider a paltry effort to find a home for him. They moved him on with a "bummer no one will take him, guess he has to go to a residential treatment center." Like they care. Let's not kid ourselves, shall we? This kid is not a little boy with a big heart with a desperate need for love and stability to them..he's a just a name. One of thousands. If our caseworker is any indication, he's not the top priority for anyone at DHS. So yeah, I say I have some residual resentment but it goes pretty deep...
As far as I know he's doing okay up there. As okay as a 5 year old can be in a setting like that. My heart still hurts for him and especially the fact that we haven't been allowed to see or talk to him yet. It's lame. I feel like he probably feels so abandoned by us. I'll be talking to his therapist this week since I just got a call from her this past week. Hopefully we can see him. I just keep praying for him. With Christmas coming up I can't imagine how sad it'll be to be in an RTC during that time. =( Supposedly they're going to look for a placement that will take him and his older brother in Denver so they can keep going to the same school and seeing their therapists. Not positive on the details of that...
As for the kiddo still with us...we've nicknamed him JB so we don't have to keep calling him "the kiddo." He's doing really really well. For awhile we were having to consider if we'd be willing to adopt him. Well as I've gotten to the point that I can't imagine what our lives would be like without him...his dad has gotten to the point that he's about to get him back. It's a good thing, it really is, but I can't convey with words how hard that is going to be. I feel ill just thinking about how hard it will be to say goodbye. Honestly I'm simultaneously thankful and sad. This is what the system is for...this is how it SHOULD work. Sure a kid gets removed, but then the parent shapes up and gets his (or her) act together and earns them back. Well JB's dad has done so and it is a well-deserve return of the two youngest..the only 2 he wants. I can rest in the knowledge that JB will be home with a dad who loves him and works pretty well with him. It's just hard. He's so cute and sweet and cuddly and loving and precious and silly. Ah hah. This is what it feels like to love a kid that you'd adopt in a second.
I wonder why I finally started to feel this way AFTER it became apparent that he'd be going home. Perhaps God was cushioning my heart so that I wouldn't get hopeful and all excited only to be let down. I'm thankful for that, that's for sure. It's kind of like when I had the miscarriage but never knew I was pregnant. Sometimes it's easier to not get hopeful in a situation that is destined to not work out how we think.
Nonetheless I love that kid very much and will never regret taking him into our home. I don't regret either of them. The sucky system and let-down I've experienced with our agency is all background to the love we've experienced towards and from these special boys. JB is supposed to be going home by Christmas..that's the tentative plan anyway. It's crazy to think that that's less than a month away. Fourteen months of raising this kiddo and it's about to come to an end. My feelings on that could best be described as surreal.
When I was chatting with a coworker of mine about all of this coming up and the transition and such, he asked me "So what have you gotten out of this experience?" To be honest, it's not something I can answer yet. I don't really know how to articulate those thoughts and feelings but I'm working on it. When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know.
