Additionally..

I just want to clarify that it is STILL the system that is ruining everything. It is because of the system and the rules that this kiddo is struggling like he is. The courts won't (can't?) do what needs to be done to protect him from the things that bring up these intense, chaotic emotions and experiences... how can he be expected to be well-balanced? He's old enough to know the gist of what is going on, but not old enough to REALLY know what's happening. He wants his mom..but he wants safety (those 2 things do not go together). He wants his older brother, but his older brother is like taking a match to this kids gasoline tank of poor behavior. He's so conflicted and if he could just be taken away from all of the people who remind him of the chaotic life he once lived, he would thrive. I have no doubt about that. But instead, he sees them more and more...while he's not back there permanently yet, he's still caught between these 2 worlds..he's so confused and upset about it. How about stop saying "Well we have to give mom a chance" and give HIM a chance! A chance for a successful life, not a life bouncing between mental hospitals and foster homes. Why does she deserve the many additional chances? She's the one that created these unbalanced kids to begin with! How about let's do what needs to be done for the KIDS...the victims in this case. Not the ADULT that let it all go down to begin with. Ugh...it disgusts me and makes me cry simultaneously. It's so unfair to these little guys...they just need love and stability and permanency. =( He doesn't need people who have similar blood running through their veins. Biology does NOT win over safety and security and the success of a child.

A lifetime

It's hard to sum up where we've been since the last meaty post. It feels like it was a lifetime ago... we were dealing with a 3 and 4 year old. Now we're dealing with a 4 and 5 year old. The 4 year old is incredible...so sweet and thoughtful. He has balanced out and really seems to be secure with us...bonded. Making great choices consistently for awhile now. Granted, he's a kid so he has his issues, but nothing like it used to be. The older kiddo though..

My heart literally feels like it's breaking. I have no idea how it's possible to love someone that inflicts so much pain, but I do. It probably has to do with the fact that he is inflicting pain that comes from intense pain and confusion. He's 5! How can he possibly understand everything going on? He can't..and that just makes it so much sadder. The acting out, aggression, everything..it's coming from such a place of sadness and confusion. However, it's still coming out. He is so very aggressive..angry. Being told "no" or getting corrected for his poor behavior ends in screaming fits of rage where he rants hateful, hostile words...threatening us and lashing out like crazy. He is at the point that he's a safety risk to those around him. He can't go back to daycare because we know he's so unstable he could harm another child (which he has tried doing multiple times).

Then there are times like now. He's trying so hard to be good, make good choices, etc. He's not acting out at all..he's like the kid he used to be before unsupervised visits started with his mom. So sincere, good...such a good heart. I know that this is just for now..the next time something conflicts for him he'll freak out again. It probably helps that the younger kid is at church with Micah and Becca so the older kid has our complete attention. We're encouraged to take him to the hospital the next time he melts down. I don't think I can do that... nothing within what I know of those hospitals says that that will benefit him. What I'm sure WILL benefit him is moving him to a different home. Separating the boys and the older one realizing that he cannot be around others when he is unsafe. But especially breaking that trauma bond they have with each other...bringing him to a place that he can be adopted into when it doesn't work out with his mom. He needs that.

I love him so much. I really do. My heart feels like it's breaking when I think about him leaving...I so want him to be successful and happy. And I want his outward behavior to reflect a peaceful heart. I'll be praying for him no matter where he goes...I hope what we've taught him and the love we've shown him will be something he carries with him forever. He's such a good kid...so smart..so much potential... =(

I wasn't prepared for this placement to end like this....