A lifetime

It's hard to sum up where we've been since the last meaty post. It feels like it was a lifetime ago... we were dealing with a 3 and 4 year old. Now we're dealing with a 4 and 5 year old. The 4 year old is incredible...so sweet and thoughtful. He has balanced out and really seems to be secure with us...bonded. Making great choices consistently for awhile now. Granted, he's a kid so he has his issues, but nothing like it used to be. The older kiddo though..

My heart literally feels like it's breaking. I have no idea how it's possible to love someone that inflicts so much pain, but I do. It probably has to do with the fact that he is inflicting pain that comes from intense pain and confusion. He's 5! How can he possibly understand everything going on? He can't..and that just makes it so much sadder. The acting out, aggression, everything..it's coming from such a place of sadness and confusion. However, it's still coming out. He is so very aggressive..angry. Being told "no" or getting corrected for his poor behavior ends in screaming fits of rage where he rants hateful, hostile words...threatening us and lashing out like crazy. He is at the point that he's a safety risk to those around him. He can't go back to daycare because we know he's so unstable he could harm another child (which he has tried doing multiple times).

Then there are times like now. He's trying so hard to be good, make good choices, etc. He's not acting out at all..he's like the kid he used to be before unsupervised visits started with his mom. So sincere, good...such a good heart. I know that this is just for now..the next time something conflicts for him he'll freak out again. It probably helps that the younger kid is at church with Micah and Becca so the older kid has our complete attention. We're encouraged to take him to the hospital the next time he melts down. I don't think I can do that... nothing within what I know of those hospitals says that that will benefit him. What I'm sure WILL benefit him is moving him to a different home. Separating the boys and the older one realizing that he cannot be around others when he is unsafe. But especially breaking that trauma bond they have with each other...bringing him to a place that he can be adopted into when it doesn't work out with his mom. He needs that.

I love him so much. I really do. My heart feels like it's breaking when I think about him leaving...I so want him to be successful and happy. And I want his outward behavior to reflect a peaceful heart. I'll be praying for him no matter where he goes...I hope what we've taught him and the love we've shown him will be something he carries with him forever. He's such a good kid...so smart..so much potential... =(

I wasn't prepared for this placement to end like this....