And the greatest of these is LOVE

Support comes in all shapes and sizes. Tangible, emotional, spiritual...Roger and I are surrounded by every single kind by so many people. Some might weigh one kind of support as more valuable than another, but I don't. Without a balance between the 3 I know there would be a noticeable gap that I would long to have filled.

Tonight I'd like to give a shout out to our parents. Both sets of parents support us in all 3 ways and I couldn't feel more blessed.

 Knowing I can call my mom or dad and ask them to watch the kiddo, knowing it would be more than supervision, is awesome. She won't just be safe physically, she will be tenderly loved and cared for, played with and built up. She'll be safe emotionally and spiritually too. She was bouncing and skipping her way to the car, filled with joy from her time with my parents and THAT is an enormous blessing. So thank you mom and dad for reaching into the heart of a little foster girl and filling it with love and happiness and healing. Your impact is huge. Your loving service so very appreciated. We love you guys. =)

On the yon east coast we have our other set of parents. Distance doesn't stop them from being involved in our care of neglected kids by any means. Today we received a giant box (seriously it was like 20 pounds) of clothes for our 6 year old FD from Roger and Carol and it was filled with adorable clothes. So much pink and purple, every kind of cuteness you could think of. =) On top of that we get messages of  love and prayers sent across the miles. It's incredible. And so so meaningful.

The outreach to us and our foster kids is not limited to our parents of course. My brother and sister-in-law, in fact all of our siblings encourage us to keep up with it, even when it's hard. The moral of this story? We're blessed. Super super blessed...and honestly without these friends and family in our lives I don't think we'd be able to stick with it. God knew exactly what he had equipped us with when he called us into this. Thanks, God =) I appreciate you too.

And the gift goes on (aaaaaand on) and the gift goes on (aaaaand on)...

    It's interesting how the growth of experiencing foster care has not been exclusively ours. It's very much like our entire community of friends and family grow along with us. A couple weeks ago a friend of mine was at an event with me at my foster agency and said that fostering is never something she would be able to do personally. My response was that she reaches these kids and has a huge impact through her support of Roger and I and our close friendship. Truer words were never spoken. Okay, that's not exactly accurate. The Bible is full of true-spoken words...but I liked mine too. =P

   The first go-round of fostering was like a painful mess we stumbled in to. Lots of growing pains to experience and chaos and frustration ..all that good stuff that makes life interesting. Or something. Along with all of that craziness we felt isolated from our friends and even family. It was probably similar to a drowning sensation. Everything smothering joy out our lives. It felt that extreme anyway. I think for those of you who were a part of our lives during that time and knew how the boys were when we first got them, it is a relatively fair assessment I think. On top of that we had NO idea what we were doing both with the kids and with the whole messy system that is foster care. Suffice it to say, that was a learning experience I would never go back to change. Haha. Truly.. I learned a lot of things about myself; some that were encouraging and some that I was not so proud of. All necessary.

  Fast forward almost 2 years into foster care and here we are with our second real placement and it feels so different. The kiddo (a 6 year old girl..just the 1 =P) is easy, our friends and family have been supportive in just the right way that has meant so much to us, and the people working on the case are reasonable people that answer my questions and seem to be working in the best interest of the child. That last part should seem obvious, but it isn't always. Some of the people that are part of "the system" can be horrifyingly dense. Anyway though, I had friends calling me saying they'd love to get together or help watch the kiddo if we needed it, inviting us to mini golf, inviting us to their house to hang out..family offering to run to pick stuff up at the store for me, also offers of dinner together, flexibility in timing of things (yep I'm pretty much always running later than our planned time to leave for work but dear Becca is so patient with me =) )...it's incredible. We didn't know what we needed as far as support was concerned and neither did anyone else. Now through life experience with it all it's as though these people that love us are growing in understanding right along with us. I love it! and even more than loving it, I consider myself SO very blessed by all of these people who support us in a million little and big ways. Who could even fathom this kind of community? I would have never imagined myself where I am today.

    I am amazed, I am thankful, and I love you all very much. =)

Into the Wild

  We got another placement today! It's a 6 year old girl and so far I think she's pretty great. I'm nervous to say that too soon because our first placement was great the first night and it went quickly downhill from there. But she seems super bright, pretty happy-go-lucky, and all-around manageable. It could also be that since there's only one of her it's not quite as stressful with 2 of us. I see hints of the argumentative side of her, but hey..what 6 year old doesn't argue? Seriously..I'm asking. I have no clue. Haha.

  On that note...Roger is going to be gone tomorrow early afternoon for 4 days and 4 nights. THAT isn't what I could call awesome. lol Perfect timing to get a new placement, huh? I will say I'm quite comforted knowing that if I asked, he would come home immediately to help. He's just that kind of guy =) The awesome kind.

  So far the transition with this new little girl seems to be really smooth and I'm so thankful for that. I pray she has sweet, peaceful dreams and it continues to go well. I also pray for her mom and that she will have the strength to do what it takes to take this cute little kiddo home.

  Stay tuned for how this progresses... =)

Aaaaaand We're Back

  Roger and I reopened for placements on July 2nd. When Junior left we took a break before opening for placements on April 1st (not a fool's day joke). We got one SUUUUUPER rough placement that only lasted one night (which really did feel like a fool's day joke). It was rather nightmarish and not something I'd care to repeat. Somewhere in the chaos my heart ached for the boys that needed some special care that we were clearly not able to give..but it was hard to keep track of that empathy while a 4 year was thrashing and screaming on our couch until 3:30am. Suffice it to say that didn't go super well and it made us really wary of taking another placement. I generally float somewhere in between fear of the unknown and a burning desire to reach these kids and love them. We ended up closing again and only being open for respite (which no one apparently needed) through June because June was a crazy-hectic month for us. Pretty much every weekend we had commitments for the duration of the weekend or were out of town.
    Finally July has arrived and our commitments are pretty much non-existent. No time like the present to take another placement, right? So we decided on an age range. We've learned about ourselves and our situation over the last almost-2-years and realized that we need to figure out what works for us or at least try to figure it out. As best as we can figure it with our available space and available finances, kids ages 3-7 would be the best fit for us. In an effort to not limit what God has for us I let them know that we would take any phone calls on kids they thought would be a good fit..3-7 is just our best guess.  It was a bit nerve-wracking opening back up again. We're not going into this with the same so-excited-we-can't-see-straight mentality anymore. We know things now. Not all of them pleasant...
   The encouraging news is that we said yes to a placement this past week. We didn't end up needing to take him because they found a family member but we said yes and that's what counts. =) I'll be honest..I'm practically begging God to go easy on us with the next placement we get. I'm making an effort to pray for His will and pray less out of fear, but it's not particularly easy.

   Update on Junior:

We get to see him! We've seen him multiple times since he went home and it has been great. His dad has told us that anytime we want to see him we can just give him a call and we'll work out the timing. The first time we saw him he was incredibly shy and it took him awhile to warm up. The last time we saw him it was just me and him and we had loads of fun. It's fun to get to treat him like a nephew instead of like a son. More spoiling, less worry about rules and such. =) He's doing really well at home with his dad. Hmm...did I just say home? Uh, yup! As I had hoped my heart and head have reconciled and I am thrilled that he is doing so well. The case is actually closed on him and David so DHS isn't involved anymore. WTG bio-dad! Junior is thriving and we still get to see him and he's an adorable little cutie pie with as much sass as I remember (just look at that picture! No chance can you argue it!). I feel so blessed to be able to look back on the experience with the boys and see the growth in them and us and the hope that comes along with such drastically awesome changes. Spending time with this awesome little guy gives me courage to do it again.

"Home"

Junior went home on December 27, 2011. Home.

It has taken me 22 days to write about this. Every time I thought about what I was going to write, I got hung up on the word "home." When people ask if we still have Junior, I get stuck when I say where he went. Junior went home? No..Junior didn't go home. He WAS home. Our home was his home. His dad's apartment was where he visited on a weekly basis. To answer people's inquiries I generally just mumbled something like "he went to live with his dad permanently.." and trailed off. What else can I say? We would have kept him forever if that was an option. It wasn't.

My heart and my head are still trying to sort out their differences in regards to Junior leaving. A friend of mine was talking about having to move when she goes to school and that she couldn't imagine a smaller place where she couldn't bring her huge dog with her. Coming home from work to that wagging tail and oh-my-gosh-I'm-so-excited-to-see-you of her dog is priceless. That's how I felt about Junior. Life without Junior? What does that even mean? No more going to pick him up from daycare where he'd yell "ELISSSSSAAAA!!!" with a big smile and launch himself into me to give me a hug? No more giggling tickling craziness? No more early mornings where he'd come bouncing into our room ready for a new day? No more Saturday adventures? Listening to him grow and learn and act like the precious kid he is?

It's so quiet now. Other than the irritating barking of my own dog when he gets a little crazy. For the longest time the noise in our home was stress-inducing craziness. One of the kids was always throwing a fit or getting in trouble for something. We loved them both so much, there's no question about that. However it was also quite clear that they did not do well together. Then Angel left. That was really hard. Truly, it was one of the worst ways a kid could leave our home. He has so much potential, but no one to give him a chance. As hard as it was for Angel to leave, the change in our home was incredible. Junior went through a short period of rough adjustment to Angel being gone, but once he settled in to the new routine and the new environment...wow. The noise in our home wasn't screaming and crying anymore. It wasn't fighting or arguing or whining...it was joy. It was laughter. It was the sounds of a little boy that was allowed to be a little boy. Loved and happy and free of the stress of the first 3 years of his life. I loved those sounds..

Now? It's quiet. I feel like there's a solid part of me that is off. Something seems empty. Roger and I are doing great things in our lives. Paying off debt, creating healthy habits, working hard, etc etc etc. And yet...where are the little arms that would give me big hugs while excitedly yelling "let's do a sandwich hug!"? Where's the little voice that would say "PORRRAAAAYYY!" when he was so excited to go cash in his stickers for froyo? Or the little guy that would giggle hysterically at his own joke while asking "Elisa, is that pilarious???" Where is that adorable, sometime-infuriating, precious, loveable, sweet little cuddlebug? He's at home. I'm not sure my heart loves "home"...

My head accepts "home." That's good, right? This is, after all, the point of fostering is it not? To reunite kids with their biological parents when they make great efforts to get them back? I won't get into the irony of the "biological parent" in this situation, however I cannot contest his efforts to get his kids back. Good job "bio"-dad. You did a pretty alright job of getting 2 of the 4 boys back. Honestly it's not so much about where Junior went that I am sad about. Rather it is more about where he is NOT.

My heart says he is not home...my head says he is. I trust that in time they'll come to an agreement.

For crying out loud...

I drive myself crazy with how little I blog. I have always hated that I'm so inconsistent in journaling. My whole life I look back on journals and I have sporadic entries that always start out with "Ugh, It's been way too long since I've journaled." You'd think I'd learn, but no...

Here is where we are at today. Older kiddo was moved out of our house a couple months ago. Good grief was that hard. I have some residual resentment towards DHS for what I consider a paltry effort to find a home for him. They moved him on with a "bummer no one will take him, guess he has to go to a residential treatment center." Like they care. Let's not kid ourselves, shall we? This kid is not a little boy with a big heart with a desperate need for love and stability to them..he's a just a name. One of thousands. If our caseworker is any indication, he's not the top priority for anyone at DHS. So yeah, I say I have some residual resentment but it goes pretty deep...

As far as I know he's doing okay up there. As okay as a 5 year old can be in a setting like that. My heart still hurts for him and especially the fact that we haven't been allowed to see or talk to him yet. It's lame. I feel like he probably feels so abandoned by us. I'll be talking to his therapist this week since I just got a call from her this past week. Hopefully we can see him. I just keep praying for him. With Christmas coming up I can't imagine how sad it'll be to be in an RTC during that time. =( Supposedly they're going to look for a placement that will take him and his older brother in Denver so they can keep going to the same school and seeing their therapists. Not positive on the details of that...

As for the kiddo still with us...we've nicknamed him JB so we don't have to keep calling him "the kiddo." He's doing really really well. For awhile we were having to consider if we'd be willing to adopt him. Well as I've gotten to the point that I can't imagine what our lives would be like without him...his dad has gotten to the point that he's about to get him back. It's a good thing, it really is, but I can't convey with words how hard that is going to be. I feel ill just thinking about how hard it will be to say goodbye. Honestly I'm simultaneously thankful and sad. This is what the system is for...this is how it SHOULD work. Sure a kid gets removed, but then the parent shapes up and gets his (or her) act together and earns them back. Well JB's dad has done so and it is a well-deserve return of the two youngest..the only 2 he wants. I can rest in the knowledge that JB will be home with a dad who loves him and works pretty well with him. It's just hard. He's so cute and sweet and cuddly and loving and precious and silly. Ah hah. This is what it feels like to love a kid that you'd adopt in a second.

I wonder why I finally started to feel this way AFTER it became apparent that he'd be going home. Perhaps God was cushioning my heart so that I wouldn't get hopeful and all excited only to be let down. I'm thankful for that, that's for sure. It's kind of like when I had the miscarriage but never knew I was pregnant. Sometimes it's easier to not get hopeful in a situation that is destined to not work out how we think.

Nonetheless I love that kid very much and will never regret taking him into our home. I don't regret either of them. The sucky system and let-down I've experienced with our agency is all background to the love we've experienced towards and from these special boys. JB is supposed to be going home by Christmas..that's the tentative plan anyway. It's crazy to think that that's less than a month away. Fourteen months of raising this kiddo and it's about to come to an end. My feelings on that could best be described as surreal.

When I was chatting with a coworker of mine about all of this coming up and the transition and such, he asked me "So what have you gotten out of this experience?" To be honest, it's not something I can answer yet. I don't really know how to articulate those thoughts and feelings but I'm working on it. When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know.

Additionally..

I just want to clarify that it is STILL the system that is ruining everything. It is because of the system and the rules that this kiddo is struggling like he is. The courts won't (can't?) do what needs to be done to protect him from the things that bring up these intense, chaotic emotions and experiences... how can he be expected to be well-balanced? He's old enough to know the gist of what is going on, but not old enough to REALLY know what's happening. He wants his mom..but he wants safety (those 2 things do not go together). He wants his older brother, but his older brother is like taking a match to this kids gasoline tank of poor behavior. He's so conflicted and if he could just be taken away from all of the people who remind him of the chaotic life he once lived, he would thrive. I have no doubt about that. But instead, he sees them more and more...while he's not back there permanently yet, he's still caught between these 2 worlds..he's so confused and upset about it. How about stop saying "Well we have to give mom a chance" and give HIM a chance! A chance for a successful life, not a life bouncing between mental hospitals and foster homes. Why does she deserve the many additional chances? She's the one that created these unbalanced kids to begin with! How about let's do what needs to be done for the KIDS...the victims in this case. Not the ADULT that let it all go down to begin with. Ugh...it disgusts me and makes me cry simultaneously. It's so unfair to these little guys...they just need love and stability and permanency. =( He doesn't need people who have similar blood running through their veins. Biology does NOT win over safety and security and the success of a child.