A Clearer Picture

Some who read this might think "my, that girl is awfully cynical." Others might be horrified that I could have such a negative attitude about a situation that is sad. Do you know how many times I've heard the "oh but it's so sad for the kids" comment? Or even "well maybe it would help to think about where they come from so you can respond to them with sympathy instead of anger." Who do you think knows that better than anyone else? Probably the person dealing the closest to the kids...i.e. me.

I DO know how awful it is for them. Granted these boys haven't faced what many foster kids have. No intense level of abuse or such intense neglect that they're a third of the size they should be. They weren't burned by cigarettes just to pass the time and they weren't locked in closets for days at a time because they were a nuisance. Their mom is legally blind and has no idea how to handle 4 boys and the chaos was so bad that it created an unsafe environment. Is it still sad that they were taken away? Yep. Is it sad that they were pretty neglected with no guidance and sometimes mild abuse? Yes. OMG DID I JUST CALL ABUSE "MILD?!" Yeah, I did. Because to understand how to handle them, we have to understand where they're coming from. No amount of abuse is acceptable, but what they suffered has not left them mentally crippled and shattered inside. It has left them crazy little hooligans who would freak out like absolute maniacs if we followed through with an "if-then" warning. They had no idea what it was like to have a parent follow through.

Of course I empathize with their situation...I also know their situation REALLY well by now. and what these kids have needed, and gotten, is unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and 6 months of blood, sweat, tears, and exhaustion to help them. So yes..sometimes I am so worn down by it all that I can come across as sarcastic or cynical, but please keep in mind that it is all secondary to the love I have for them. Humor helps me cope and coping is necessary to keep me from going crazy.

Six months ago I thought that I had made the worst mistake EVER. That we were crazy to do what we were doing. What the heck made me VOLUNTARILY take on 2 kids that were so messed up that they couldn't even play together without hurting each other and freaking out every 2 seconds? They took literally EVERY SECOND of both Roger's and my attention. We each had to focus on one and CONSTANTLY re-direct their behavior. They would scream, curse, kick, and spit as soon as they heard "no." Lucky for all of us I am WAAAAY more stubborn than both of them combined (thank you Dutch heritage hehe). So Roger and I stuck with our "no means no" mentality and pressed on. We would spend at least 3 hours a night re-watching shrek with them on the couch until they drifted off to sleep and we could put them to bed. Why? Because when we tried to put them to bed the good ol' fashioned way (tucking them in) it resulted in around 4-5 hours of a screaming, fighting tantrum. It was ugly people. Pure. Ugliness. I had no love for those boys and all I could see was the darkness that was my life.

Somewhere along the way we started to see tiny little bits of sunshine eek through the crazy that was fostering. I said no and what did I hear? "okay." ..... omg..OMG! HE SAID OKAY! Let the celebration begin! In came sticker charts to encourage good attitudes, going to bed like big boys, and not having accidents. Oh, did I fail to mention that they WEREN'T POTTY TRAINED? 3 and 4 years old...talk about lame. Sticker charts were a huge success, especially with the older one. Behaviors changed faster and faster. Reasoning with them became an option. Roger and I figured out how to nip the fits in the bud. We were seeing success and the beauty of it makes me sigh with relief just thinking about it.

Roger and I learned right along with the boys. Yeah. I get it now. I am an impatient person. I am easily frustrated and struggle with letting go of anger. I mean, cut me a bit of slack, it is extremely insulting to have a 3 or 4 year old curse at you like a sailor for hours on end. Or spit at you. Or kick you. But despite the pain and frustration and horror of it all...love has entered in. For me it was a choice, pure and simple. Several weeks (perhaps a month?) in I realized that I couldn't give them the best of myself without creating some affection for them. I practically forced myself to love these boys, but love them I do.

A lot of people have asked me if we would keep them should they become adoptable, and to that I say nothing. I have no answer to that and I'm not even trying to decide either way. I pray for their mom regularly and am trying to be a part of the solution to her getting her kids back and if for some reason it doesn't go that route, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now we're just taking it day by day and seeing where it all leads.

...Of course, if you would have asked me that question about an hour ago in the midst of a major fit by the younger one, I would have looked at you like you had lost your mind...