It's Not The Kids, It's The System

A lot of people think that the most difficult part of fostering is having to give the kids up. Well I'm here to say that that is completely false. I guess for the sake of being "fair" or whatever I should say it's false for me but no. I'm sticking with my original comment. It is false. As far as the kids are concerned that may be the consensus (although most definitely not for me) but for the whole process? No. It is the stupid freaking system.

Oh, and for the record, as far as the kids are concerned? The hardest part for me has actually been keeping them. Not even joking the slightest bit. October 21, 2010 we had 2 little crazy freaking maniacs dropped into our laps and it has been, hands down, the hardest experience of my life. I think it's important that I say that I am writing this having just spent the last 20 minutes listening to a 3-year old call me a "mother f'ing bitch head." Too much real for you? Welcome to my world. That is but a tiny little glimpse of what it's like for me on a daily basis. Granted a lot has changed and compared to how they were when we first got them, they're awesome. But to compare them to the little monsters they were initially doesn't really help because that was a nightmare. Compare them to a well-rounded decent kid? They still come in trailing behind as a major life-drain...and those life-sucking little hooligans are only more difficult thanks to the stupid freaking system.

For the sake of simplicity I will heretofore refer to the stupid freaking system as the SFS. It is an appropriate term so don't even try to tell me to calm down and not be so harsh. I won't! I've been on the receiving end of their fail for long enough to speak with a voice of experience. This is first hand info people...the real deal. The real..EXTREMELY frustrating..deal.

I can simply summarize my feelings towards the SFS with the following words: It has LITERALLY sucked in it's entirety. There is so much fail entrenched in the fostering system it's no wonder people quit after months of doing it. And it's so sad! Here are the agencies and people we have worked with so far...I will not list them by their specific names because that does seem too harsh (somewhere in my angry haze of frustration I can at least be reasonable about that)..but the list looks as follows:

Caseworker

Home Supervisor

Hope Worker

Foster Agency

WIC

DHS (omg)

Therapists (x2)

Visitation Center

Wraparound Program

Supervisor of the Home Supervisors

Primary Care Doctor

Vision Doctor

Dentist

Allergy Clinic

Neurologist

Hospital (for testing)

Daycare (failboat)

Biological Parents

Extended Family

Residential Treatment Center

Guardian Ad Litem

I'm sure I've forgotten (or blocked out) some...

Okay so let's take it up a notch without being too specific. We've had 3 caseworkers, the current one of which we don't even know who it is. We've had several home supervisors but for most of the time we've had temp home supervisors to get by until we got one permanently. That "got us by" for months. In fast our first home supervisor quit and no one told us. We found out from one of the financial people at our agency that I had to contact regarding something else that took me WEEKS to get the answer to. Now we have a new home supervisor that we've never met. They go to the worlds crappiest daycare. Super ghetto and not at all supporting what we value for them. Their bio parents are unreliable and have wasted many hours of my time. They have had preventable run-ins with their bio-extended family. Lame. They've had more visits to a variety of doctors than I have had in my entire life.

Through all of this we have been left completely unsupported by the million agencies and individuals who are a part of the SFS. The people who were so intent on being there for us...really thrilled to be on this journey with us to provide support. Give. Me. A. Break. Without Micah and Becca and the lady who has provided respite for us when we were desperate for a break..I don't know what we would have done. Given up probably. It's so ridiculous. Foster families are getting burnt out all over the place because there is so little support for them. If there was even a smidgen of support from the agencies who should be helping us, it would be so different. But instead, we're left to flounder around, slowly becoming devoid of all energy and sparkle. I'm not even asking for much. Do I need constant help? Nope. Do I need someone to hold my hand? No. I'm simply asking for an answer to my emails...or call me back. Shoot, make sure your voicemail is set up so I can actually leave a message! Toss out a little "working on getting you an answer." For the love...is that really so much to ask? I certainly don't think so. Because without that even little bit of support..those of us actually living with these kids won't make it for long.

I envisioned fostering for years. But instead I'm feeling burnt out after 7 months and it's so sad. I just want to go to someone and shout "HELP ME WANT TO DO THIS LONGER!" Because the Lord knows that I really do want to help these kids. I want to make a difference for them. At least with the kids there is some redemption. Sure they may act like little hooligans, but we can see the change. We can acknowledge the fewer tantrums, the better attitudes, the smoother routines. But for the SFS??? They've got nothing. Nothing to reel us back in and make me feel like it's worth it. They just join in on the fray and pummel away at us until we're so frustrated we can barely stay focused on why we're doing what we're doing.

If you have been taking notes so far, don't. Tear them up and toss them. This is what you need to remember:

1. For the sake of the kids, despite the SFS we MUST still help them. There MUST be foster families who will take in these kids and be willing to deal with the drama they bring as well as the SFS.

2. Roger and I will probably continue to foster despite all of this.

3. This was written under the weight of a rough day.

4. I think it is important to note that out of all of these organizations...the WIC office has been the most helpful and least frustrating. Our WIC lady is wonderful and I appreciate her efficiency.

5. If anyone from any of these organizations is reading this, don't panic. I want to be a part of the solution, even with those who have failed us in the past.

Tomorrow will come and as I tell the kids after a rough day with bad choices and lots of fits.. "tomorrow is a new day and you can try again." Yes, that is exactly what I need. A peaceful night of rest so that we can try again tomorrow for the sake of the children.