Frustrations Abound

There are so many things about fostering that I never thought of when I signed up for this. Here are a few of those:

1. When the kid(s) is/are constantly acting up...following through with consequences will really REALLY suck for me.

2. I don't handle the droning crying/screaming/fit-throwing sounds of a child in the middle of a tantrum very well..not when it goes on for an hour anyway. It's like the sound of an alarm clock and those of you who know me know that I go crazy nearly instantly. (And by "go crazy" that means I say "OH MY GOSH THAT SOUND IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!")

3. Typical kid questions can drive me completely crazy. Not their fault, but true none the less.

4. I am capable of very angry feelings towards a child that is technically still in the "toddler" category. That makes me feel like a complete idiot since I'm the adult. It's just that no child should be using those words...

5. I would need coping skills to handle anger, frustration, and stress FAR beyond what I expected.

It's really good to know those things now. Sometimes I am stretched beyond my tolerance for handling the crazy so I need to step away for the safety of all involved. And I do step away. I don't generally like the idea of putting a screaming/crying (not sad-crying but the tantrum I-can't-have-what-I-want type of crying) kid into their room for the duration of that fit because I feel like it sends the message that they should be isolated in their anger. Not quite so healthy. However when I hit that point that I can't respond in a reasonable adult-like way...as I said earlier I will do what I need to do. As the older kids says.. "a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do." Wise words, young one.

That stretching I have been going through can definitely be a good thing. I've learned a lot...become slightly more humble (I could probably do for moving down a few more notches) since I used to think I knew all the answers..and truly I think it has been a really good experience all around. (Painful can be good, just so we're clear..) However...nights like tonight?

I WANT TO SERIOUSLY SCREAM!

Rant inc...

It is SO frustrating having to deal with a defiant 3 year old! OR 4 year old! But tonight that stinkin' younger one...UGH it is SO LAME. I hate hate HATE ending my weekends like that. I just want to say "ENOUGH!" and send him back to where ever he came from! I feel like these kids have some COMPLETELY inaccurate idea of what "being with mom (bio mom)" is like. EVERY time they get in trouble the cry is "I want my mommy." NO. NO you DON'T! They THINK they want their mommy but they don't. Because if they were with their mommy they wouldn't do ANY of the fun things we do with them. They never did before and they wouldn't now. They would be amidst complete chaos. They wouldn't get experience all the stuff they get to with us and they would be back in the miserable situation they were in before! But in their little minds..loving mommy is tied to being back at their house. Except they have NO IDEA what it would really be like. I just want them to go back for one week. ONE. So they can really see what it's like. And if they like it..shoot, hip hip hooray. But they won't. It's not that I want them to be miserable or anything. But to cry for their mom is so obnoxious because they only do it when they're in trouble ALL the time. And yes, I realize it's because they didn't get punished by her so they want the "nicer" option. And I realize that they're kids. But in their childish minds they truly have no idea what they're asking for. And on nights like tonight I just want them to catch ONE LITTLE GLIMPSE of the reality of that situation so they can start chanting something new and different. Maybe try for a "I want out of timeout" line...mix it up a little for crying out loud!

But no. That would be awful for them to be thrust back into an unready situation and I don't ultimately want that of course. It's just SO FRUSTRATING having NOTHING to respond with. And every childish thing going through MY mind I clamp down on hard and...as happened tonight...I need to step away from the crazy and collect myself. I must not (even verbally) give in to the crazy. Because they push and push and test limits and boundaries like little maniacs and if I can't be true to who I want to be as a foster parent, then what's the point in all this?

Sigh. A rough night folks. Truly. It was going so well then BAM! Crap city. I need to go to bed early tonight. Good thing I have a wonderful husband who is helping me relax. In the hardest of times I can always rely on him to be there for me. What a guy. I think the next blog I start will be all about the different ways I love him (lol j/k that silly idea was for my dear aunt who would probably be enthralled with all I had to say about loving my husband. lol).