"Home"

Junior went home on December 27, 2011. Home.

It has taken me 22 days to write about this. Every time I thought about what I was going to write, I got hung up on the word "home." When people ask if we still have Junior, I get stuck when I say where he went. Junior went home? No..Junior didn't go home. He WAS home. Our home was his home. His dad's apartment was where he visited on a weekly basis. To answer people's inquiries I generally just mumbled something like "he went to live with his dad permanently.." and trailed off. What else can I say? We would have kept him forever if that was an option. It wasn't.

My heart and my head are still trying to sort out their differences in regards to Junior leaving. A friend of mine was talking about having to move when she goes to school and that she couldn't imagine a smaller place where she couldn't bring her huge dog with her. Coming home from work to that wagging tail and oh-my-gosh-I'm-so-excited-to-see-you of her dog is priceless. That's how I felt about Junior. Life without Junior? What does that even mean? No more going to pick him up from daycare where he'd yell "ELISSSSSAAAA!!!" with a big smile and launch himself into me to give me a hug? No more giggling tickling craziness? No more early mornings where he'd come bouncing into our room ready for a new day? No more Saturday adventures? Listening to him grow and learn and act like the precious kid he is?

It's so quiet now. Other than the irritating barking of my own dog when he gets a little crazy. For the longest time the noise in our home was stress-inducing craziness. One of the kids was always throwing a fit or getting in trouble for something. We loved them both so much, there's no question about that. However it was also quite clear that they did not do well together. Then Angel left. That was really hard. Truly, it was one of the worst ways a kid could leave our home. He has so much potential, but no one to give him a chance. As hard as it was for Angel to leave, the change in our home was incredible. Junior went through a short period of rough adjustment to Angel being gone, but once he settled in to the new routine and the new environment...wow. The noise in our home wasn't screaming and crying anymore. It wasn't fighting or arguing or whining...it was joy. It was laughter. It was the sounds of a little boy that was allowed to be a little boy. Loved and happy and free of the stress of the first 3 years of his life. I loved those sounds..

Now? It's quiet. I feel like there's a solid part of me that is off. Something seems empty. Roger and I are doing great things in our lives. Paying off debt, creating healthy habits, working hard, etc etc etc. And yet...where are the little arms that would give me big hugs while excitedly yelling "let's do a sandwich hug!"? Where's the little voice that would say "PORRRAAAAYYY!" when he was so excited to go cash in his stickers for froyo? Or the little guy that would giggle hysterically at his own joke while asking "Elisa, is that pilarious???" Where is that adorable, sometime-infuriating, precious, loveable, sweet little cuddlebug? He's at home. I'm not sure my heart loves "home"...

My head accepts "home." That's good, right? This is, after all, the point of fostering is it not? To reunite kids with their biological parents when they make great efforts to get them back? I won't get into the irony of the "biological parent" in this situation, however I cannot contest his efforts to get his kids back. Good job "bio"-dad. You did a pretty alright job of getting 2 of the 4 boys back. Honestly it's not so much about where Junior went that I am sad about. Rather it is more about where he is NOT.

My heart says he is not home...my head says he is. I trust that in time they'll come to an agreement.

For crying out loud...

I drive myself crazy with how little I blog. I have always hated that I'm so inconsistent in journaling. My whole life I look back on journals and I have sporadic entries that always start out with "Ugh, It's been way too long since I've journaled." You'd think I'd learn, but no...

Here is where we are at today. Older kiddo was moved out of our house a couple months ago. Good grief was that hard. I have some residual resentment towards DHS for what I consider a paltry effort to find a home for him. They moved him on with a "bummer no one will take him, guess he has to go to a residential treatment center." Like they care. Let's not kid ourselves, shall we? This kid is not a little boy with a big heart with a desperate need for love and stability to them..he's a just a name. One of thousands. If our caseworker is any indication, he's not the top priority for anyone at DHS. So yeah, I say I have some residual resentment but it goes pretty deep...

As far as I know he's doing okay up there. As okay as a 5 year old can be in a setting like that. My heart still hurts for him and especially the fact that we haven't been allowed to see or talk to him yet. It's lame. I feel like he probably feels so abandoned by us. I'll be talking to his therapist this week since I just got a call from her this past week. Hopefully we can see him. I just keep praying for him. With Christmas coming up I can't imagine how sad it'll be to be in an RTC during that time. =( Supposedly they're going to look for a placement that will take him and his older brother in Denver so they can keep going to the same school and seeing their therapists. Not positive on the details of that...

As for the kiddo still with us...we've nicknamed him JB so we don't have to keep calling him "the kiddo." He's doing really really well. For awhile we were having to consider if we'd be willing to adopt him. Well as I've gotten to the point that I can't imagine what our lives would be like without him...his dad has gotten to the point that he's about to get him back. It's a good thing, it really is, but I can't convey with words how hard that is going to be. I feel ill just thinking about how hard it will be to say goodbye. Honestly I'm simultaneously thankful and sad. This is what the system is for...this is how it SHOULD work. Sure a kid gets removed, but then the parent shapes up and gets his (or her) act together and earns them back. Well JB's dad has done so and it is a well-deserve return of the two youngest..the only 2 he wants. I can rest in the knowledge that JB will be home with a dad who loves him and works pretty well with him. It's just hard. He's so cute and sweet and cuddly and loving and precious and silly. Ah hah. This is what it feels like to love a kid that you'd adopt in a second.

I wonder why I finally started to feel this way AFTER it became apparent that he'd be going home. Perhaps God was cushioning my heart so that I wouldn't get hopeful and all excited only to be let down. I'm thankful for that, that's for sure. It's kind of like when I had the miscarriage but never knew I was pregnant. Sometimes it's easier to not get hopeful in a situation that is destined to not work out how we think.

Nonetheless I love that kid very much and will never regret taking him into our home. I don't regret either of them. The sucky system and let-down I've experienced with our agency is all background to the love we've experienced towards and from these special boys. JB is supposed to be going home by Christmas..that's the tentative plan anyway. It's crazy to think that that's less than a month away. Fourteen months of raising this kiddo and it's about to come to an end. My feelings on that could best be described as surreal.

When I was chatting with a coworker of mine about all of this coming up and the transition and such, he asked me "So what have you gotten out of this experience?" To be honest, it's not something I can answer yet. I don't really know how to articulate those thoughts and feelings but I'm working on it. When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know.

Additionally..

I just want to clarify that it is STILL the system that is ruining everything. It is because of the system and the rules that this kiddo is struggling like he is. The courts won't (can't?) do what needs to be done to protect him from the things that bring up these intense, chaotic emotions and experiences... how can he be expected to be well-balanced? He's old enough to know the gist of what is going on, but not old enough to REALLY know what's happening. He wants his mom..but he wants safety (those 2 things do not go together). He wants his older brother, but his older brother is like taking a match to this kids gasoline tank of poor behavior. He's so conflicted and if he could just be taken away from all of the people who remind him of the chaotic life he once lived, he would thrive. I have no doubt about that. But instead, he sees them more and more...while he's not back there permanently yet, he's still caught between these 2 worlds..he's so confused and upset about it. How about stop saying "Well we have to give mom a chance" and give HIM a chance! A chance for a successful life, not a life bouncing between mental hospitals and foster homes. Why does she deserve the many additional chances? She's the one that created these unbalanced kids to begin with! How about let's do what needs to be done for the KIDS...the victims in this case. Not the ADULT that let it all go down to begin with. Ugh...it disgusts me and makes me cry simultaneously. It's so unfair to these little guys...they just need love and stability and permanency. =( He doesn't need people who have similar blood running through their veins. Biology does NOT win over safety and security and the success of a child.

A lifetime

It's hard to sum up where we've been since the last meaty post. It feels like it was a lifetime ago... we were dealing with a 3 and 4 year old. Now we're dealing with a 4 and 5 year old. The 4 year old is incredible...so sweet and thoughtful. He has balanced out and really seems to be secure with us...bonded. Making great choices consistently for awhile now. Granted, he's a kid so he has his issues, but nothing like it used to be. The older kiddo though..

My heart literally feels like it's breaking. I have no idea how it's possible to love someone that inflicts so much pain, but I do. It probably has to do with the fact that he is inflicting pain that comes from intense pain and confusion. He's 5! How can he possibly understand everything going on? He can't..and that just makes it so much sadder. The acting out, aggression, everything..it's coming from such a place of sadness and confusion. However, it's still coming out. He is so very aggressive..angry. Being told "no" or getting corrected for his poor behavior ends in screaming fits of rage where he rants hateful, hostile words...threatening us and lashing out like crazy. He is at the point that he's a safety risk to those around him. He can't go back to daycare because we know he's so unstable he could harm another child (which he has tried doing multiple times).

Then there are times like now. He's trying so hard to be good, make good choices, etc. He's not acting out at all..he's like the kid he used to be before unsupervised visits started with his mom. So sincere, good...such a good heart. I know that this is just for now..the next time something conflicts for him he'll freak out again. It probably helps that the younger kid is at church with Micah and Becca so the older kid has our complete attention. We're encouraged to take him to the hospital the next time he melts down. I don't think I can do that... nothing within what I know of those hospitals says that that will benefit him. What I'm sure WILL benefit him is moving him to a different home. Separating the boys and the older one realizing that he cannot be around others when he is unsafe. But especially breaking that trauma bond they have with each other...bringing him to a place that he can be adopted into when it doesn't work out with his mom. He needs that.

I love him so much. I really do. My heart feels like it's breaking when I think about him leaving...I so want him to be successful and happy. And I want his outward behavior to reflect a peaceful heart. I'll be praying for him no matter where he goes...I hope what we've taught him and the love we've shown him will be something he carries with him forever. He's such a good kid...so smart..so much potential... =(

I wasn't prepared for this placement to end like this....

Tomatoes

Roger was telling me about a conversation he had with the older kiddo. It went a little something like this...

Kiddo: What is Texas?

Roger: It's a state, like Colorado, it's south of us.

Kiddo: Do they have tomatoes in Texas?

Roger: Uhhh yeah.

Kiddo: No like, tomatoes that fly.

Roger: What are you talking about?

Kiddo: *Makes a swirly motion with his finger* Tomatoes!

Roger: Oh! TORNADOES! Yes, they have tornadoes in Texas.

Kiddo: I'm afraid of tornadoes.

LOL Classic.

Frustrations Abound

There are so many things about fostering that I never thought of when I signed up for this. Here are a few of those:

1. When the kid(s) is/are constantly acting up...following through with consequences will really REALLY suck for me.

2. I don't handle the droning crying/screaming/fit-throwing sounds of a child in the middle of a tantrum very well..not when it goes on for an hour anyway. It's like the sound of an alarm clock and those of you who know me know that I go crazy nearly instantly. (And by "go crazy" that means I say "OH MY GOSH THAT SOUND IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!")

3. Typical kid questions can drive me completely crazy. Not their fault, but true none the less.

4. I am capable of very angry feelings towards a child that is technically still in the "toddler" category. That makes me feel like a complete idiot since I'm the adult. It's just that no child should be using those words...

5. I would need coping skills to handle anger, frustration, and stress FAR beyond what I expected.

It's really good to know those things now. Sometimes I am stretched beyond my tolerance for handling the crazy so I need to step away for the safety of all involved. And I do step away. I don't generally like the idea of putting a screaming/crying (not sad-crying but the tantrum I-can't-have-what-I-want type of crying) kid into their room for the duration of that fit because I feel like it sends the message that they should be isolated in their anger. Not quite so healthy. However when I hit that point that I can't respond in a reasonable adult-like way...as I said earlier I will do what I need to do. As the older kids says.. "a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do." Wise words, young one.

That stretching I have been going through can definitely be a good thing. I've learned a lot...become slightly more humble (I could probably do for moving down a few more notches) since I used to think I knew all the answers..and truly I think it has been a really good experience all around. (Painful can be good, just so we're clear..) However...nights like tonight?

I WANT TO SERIOUSLY SCREAM!

Rant inc...

It is SO frustrating having to deal with a defiant 3 year old! OR 4 year old! But tonight that stinkin' younger one...UGH it is SO LAME. I hate hate HATE ending my weekends like that. I just want to say "ENOUGH!" and send him back to where ever he came from! I feel like these kids have some COMPLETELY inaccurate idea of what "being with mom (bio mom)" is like. EVERY time they get in trouble the cry is "I want my mommy." NO. NO you DON'T! They THINK they want their mommy but they don't. Because if they were with their mommy they wouldn't do ANY of the fun things we do with them. They never did before and they wouldn't now. They would be amidst complete chaos. They wouldn't get experience all the stuff they get to with us and they would be back in the miserable situation they were in before! But in their little minds..loving mommy is tied to being back at their house. Except they have NO IDEA what it would really be like. I just want them to go back for one week. ONE. So they can really see what it's like. And if they like it..shoot, hip hip hooray. But they won't. It's not that I want them to be miserable or anything. But to cry for their mom is so obnoxious because they only do it when they're in trouble ALL the time. And yes, I realize it's because they didn't get punished by her so they want the "nicer" option. And I realize that they're kids. But in their childish minds they truly have no idea what they're asking for. And on nights like tonight I just want them to catch ONE LITTLE GLIMPSE of the reality of that situation so they can start chanting something new and different. Maybe try for a "I want out of timeout" line...mix it up a little for crying out loud!

But no. That would be awful for them to be thrust back into an unready situation and I don't ultimately want that of course. It's just SO FRUSTRATING having NOTHING to respond with. And every childish thing going through MY mind I clamp down on hard and...as happened tonight...I need to step away from the crazy and collect myself. I must not (even verbally) give in to the crazy. Because they push and push and test limits and boundaries like little maniacs and if I can't be true to who I want to be as a foster parent, then what's the point in all this?

Sigh. A rough night folks. Truly. It was going so well then BAM! Crap city. I need to go to bed early tonight. Good thing I have a wonderful husband who is helping me relax. In the hardest of times I can always rely on him to be there for me. What a guy. I think the next blog I start will be all about the different ways I love him (lol j/k that silly idea was for my dear aunt who would probably be enthralled with all I had to say about loving my husband. lol).

How I Get By

It's by listening to songs like this that I feel like I can survive the screaming and all of the horrible things that the kids say to me when they're throwing a fit. I just put on my headphones, turn up the music so I can't hear the screaming kid, and sing along. Man it is so soothing. =)

Revelation Song by Kari Jobe