For crying out loud...

I drive myself crazy with how little I blog. I have always hated that I'm so inconsistent in journaling. My whole life I look back on journals and I have sporadic entries that always start out with "Ugh, It's been way too long since I've journaled." You'd think I'd learn, but no...

Here is where we are at today. Older kiddo was moved out of our house a couple months ago. Good grief was that hard. I have some residual resentment towards DHS for what I consider a paltry effort to find a home for him. They moved him on with a "bummer no one will take him, guess he has to go to a residential treatment center." Like they care. Let's not kid ourselves, shall we? This kid is not a little boy with a big heart with a desperate need for love and stability to them..he's a just a name. One of thousands. If our caseworker is any indication, he's not the top priority for anyone at DHS. So yeah, I say I have some residual resentment but it goes pretty deep...

As far as I know he's doing okay up there. As okay as a 5 year old can be in a setting like that. My heart still hurts for him and especially the fact that we haven't been allowed to see or talk to him yet. It's lame. I feel like he probably feels so abandoned by us. I'll be talking to his therapist this week since I just got a call from her this past week. Hopefully we can see him. I just keep praying for him. With Christmas coming up I can't imagine how sad it'll be to be in an RTC during that time. =( Supposedly they're going to look for a placement that will take him and his older brother in Denver so they can keep going to the same school and seeing their therapists. Not positive on the details of that...

As for the kiddo still with us...we've nicknamed him JB so we don't have to keep calling him "the kiddo." He's doing really really well. For awhile we were having to consider if we'd be willing to adopt him. Well as I've gotten to the point that I can't imagine what our lives would be like without him...his dad has gotten to the point that he's about to get him back. It's a good thing, it really is, but I can't convey with words how hard that is going to be. I feel ill just thinking about how hard it will be to say goodbye. Honestly I'm simultaneously thankful and sad. This is what the system is for...this is how it SHOULD work. Sure a kid gets removed, but then the parent shapes up and gets his (or her) act together and earns them back. Well JB's dad has done so and it is a well-deserve return of the two youngest..the only 2 he wants. I can rest in the knowledge that JB will be home with a dad who loves him and works pretty well with him. It's just hard. He's so cute and sweet and cuddly and loving and precious and silly. Ah hah. This is what it feels like to love a kid that you'd adopt in a second.

I wonder why I finally started to feel this way AFTER it became apparent that he'd be going home. Perhaps God was cushioning my heart so that I wouldn't get hopeful and all excited only to be let down. I'm thankful for that, that's for sure. It's kind of like when I had the miscarriage but never knew I was pregnant. Sometimes it's easier to not get hopeful in a situation that is destined to not work out how we think.

Nonetheless I love that kid very much and will never regret taking him into our home. I don't regret either of them. The sucky system and let-down I've experienced with our agency is all background to the love we've experienced towards and from these special boys. JB is supposed to be going home by Christmas..that's the tentative plan anyway. It's crazy to think that that's less than a month away. Fourteen months of raising this kiddo and it's about to come to an end. My feelings on that could best be described as surreal.

When I was chatting with a coworker of mine about all of this coming up and the transition and such, he asked me "So what have you gotten out of this experience?" To be honest, it's not something I can answer yet. I don't really know how to articulate those thoughts and feelings but I'm working on it. When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know.

Additionally..

I just want to clarify that it is STILL the system that is ruining everything. It is because of the system and the rules that this kiddo is struggling like he is. The courts won't (can't?) do what needs to be done to protect him from the things that bring up these intense, chaotic emotions and experiences... how can he be expected to be well-balanced? He's old enough to know the gist of what is going on, but not old enough to REALLY know what's happening. He wants his mom..but he wants safety (those 2 things do not go together). He wants his older brother, but his older brother is like taking a match to this kids gasoline tank of poor behavior. He's so conflicted and if he could just be taken away from all of the people who remind him of the chaotic life he once lived, he would thrive. I have no doubt about that. But instead, he sees them more and more...while he's not back there permanently yet, he's still caught between these 2 worlds..he's so confused and upset about it. How about stop saying "Well we have to give mom a chance" and give HIM a chance! A chance for a successful life, not a life bouncing between mental hospitals and foster homes. Why does she deserve the many additional chances? She's the one that created these unbalanced kids to begin with! How about let's do what needs to be done for the KIDS...the victims in this case. Not the ADULT that let it all go down to begin with. Ugh...it disgusts me and makes me cry simultaneously. It's so unfair to these little guys...they just need love and stability and permanency. =( He doesn't need people who have similar blood running through their veins. Biology does NOT win over safety and security and the success of a child.

A lifetime

It's hard to sum up where we've been since the last meaty post. It feels like it was a lifetime ago... we were dealing with a 3 and 4 year old. Now we're dealing with a 4 and 5 year old. The 4 year old is incredible...so sweet and thoughtful. He has balanced out and really seems to be secure with us...bonded. Making great choices consistently for awhile now. Granted, he's a kid so he has his issues, but nothing like it used to be. The older kiddo though..

My heart literally feels like it's breaking. I have no idea how it's possible to love someone that inflicts so much pain, but I do. It probably has to do with the fact that he is inflicting pain that comes from intense pain and confusion. He's 5! How can he possibly understand everything going on? He can't..and that just makes it so much sadder. The acting out, aggression, everything..it's coming from such a place of sadness and confusion. However, it's still coming out. He is so very aggressive..angry. Being told "no" or getting corrected for his poor behavior ends in screaming fits of rage where he rants hateful, hostile words...threatening us and lashing out like crazy. He is at the point that he's a safety risk to those around him. He can't go back to daycare because we know he's so unstable he could harm another child (which he has tried doing multiple times).

Then there are times like now. He's trying so hard to be good, make good choices, etc. He's not acting out at all..he's like the kid he used to be before unsupervised visits started with his mom. So sincere, good...such a good heart. I know that this is just for now..the next time something conflicts for him he'll freak out again. It probably helps that the younger kid is at church with Micah and Becca so the older kid has our complete attention. We're encouraged to take him to the hospital the next time he melts down. I don't think I can do that... nothing within what I know of those hospitals says that that will benefit him. What I'm sure WILL benefit him is moving him to a different home. Separating the boys and the older one realizing that he cannot be around others when he is unsafe. But especially breaking that trauma bond they have with each other...bringing him to a place that he can be adopted into when it doesn't work out with his mom. He needs that.

I love him so much. I really do. My heart feels like it's breaking when I think about him leaving...I so want him to be successful and happy. And I want his outward behavior to reflect a peaceful heart. I'll be praying for him no matter where he goes...I hope what we've taught him and the love we've shown him will be something he carries with him forever. He's such a good kid...so smart..so much potential... =(

I wasn't prepared for this placement to end like this....

Tomatoes

Roger was telling me about a conversation he had with the older kiddo. It went a little something like this...

Kiddo: What is Texas?

Roger: It's a state, like Colorado, it's south of us.

Kiddo: Do they have tomatoes in Texas?

Roger: Uhhh yeah.

Kiddo: No like, tomatoes that fly.

Roger: What are you talking about?

Kiddo: *Makes a swirly motion with his finger* Tomatoes!

Roger: Oh! TORNADOES! Yes, they have tornadoes in Texas.

Kiddo: I'm afraid of tornadoes.

LOL Classic.

Frustrations Abound

There are so many things about fostering that I never thought of when I signed up for this. Here are a few of those:

1. When the kid(s) is/are constantly acting up...following through with consequences will really REALLY suck for me.

2. I don't handle the droning crying/screaming/fit-throwing sounds of a child in the middle of a tantrum very well..not when it goes on for an hour anyway. It's like the sound of an alarm clock and those of you who know me know that I go crazy nearly instantly. (And by "go crazy" that means I say "OH MY GOSH THAT SOUND IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!")

3. Typical kid questions can drive me completely crazy. Not their fault, but true none the less.

4. I am capable of very angry feelings towards a child that is technically still in the "toddler" category. That makes me feel like a complete idiot since I'm the adult. It's just that no child should be using those words...

5. I would need coping skills to handle anger, frustration, and stress FAR beyond what I expected.

It's really good to know those things now. Sometimes I am stretched beyond my tolerance for handling the crazy so I need to step away for the safety of all involved. And I do step away. I don't generally like the idea of putting a screaming/crying (not sad-crying but the tantrum I-can't-have-what-I-want type of crying) kid into their room for the duration of that fit because I feel like it sends the message that they should be isolated in their anger. Not quite so healthy. However when I hit that point that I can't respond in a reasonable adult-like way...as I said earlier I will do what I need to do. As the older kids says.. "a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do." Wise words, young one.

That stretching I have been going through can definitely be a good thing. I've learned a lot...become slightly more humble (I could probably do for moving down a few more notches) since I used to think I knew all the answers..and truly I think it has been a really good experience all around. (Painful can be good, just so we're clear..) However...nights like tonight?

I WANT TO SERIOUSLY SCREAM!

Rant inc...

It is SO frustrating having to deal with a defiant 3 year old! OR 4 year old! But tonight that stinkin' younger one...UGH it is SO LAME. I hate hate HATE ending my weekends like that. I just want to say "ENOUGH!" and send him back to where ever he came from! I feel like these kids have some COMPLETELY inaccurate idea of what "being with mom (bio mom)" is like. EVERY time they get in trouble the cry is "I want my mommy." NO. NO you DON'T! They THINK they want their mommy but they don't. Because if they were with their mommy they wouldn't do ANY of the fun things we do with them. They never did before and they wouldn't now. They would be amidst complete chaos. They wouldn't get experience all the stuff they get to with us and they would be back in the miserable situation they were in before! But in their little minds..loving mommy is tied to being back at their house. Except they have NO IDEA what it would really be like. I just want them to go back for one week. ONE. So they can really see what it's like. And if they like it..shoot, hip hip hooray. But they won't. It's not that I want them to be miserable or anything. But to cry for their mom is so obnoxious because they only do it when they're in trouble ALL the time. And yes, I realize it's because they didn't get punished by her so they want the "nicer" option. And I realize that they're kids. But in their childish minds they truly have no idea what they're asking for. And on nights like tonight I just want them to catch ONE LITTLE GLIMPSE of the reality of that situation so they can start chanting something new and different. Maybe try for a "I want out of timeout" line...mix it up a little for crying out loud!

But no. That would be awful for them to be thrust back into an unready situation and I don't ultimately want that of course. It's just SO FRUSTRATING having NOTHING to respond with. And every childish thing going through MY mind I clamp down on hard and...as happened tonight...I need to step away from the crazy and collect myself. I must not (even verbally) give in to the crazy. Because they push and push and test limits and boundaries like little maniacs and if I can't be true to who I want to be as a foster parent, then what's the point in all this?

Sigh. A rough night folks. Truly. It was going so well then BAM! Crap city. I need to go to bed early tonight. Good thing I have a wonderful husband who is helping me relax. In the hardest of times I can always rely on him to be there for me. What a guy. I think the next blog I start will be all about the different ways I love him (lol j/k that silly idea was for my dear aunt who would probably be enthralled with all I had to say about loving my husband. lol).

How I Get By

It's by listening to songs like this that I feel like I can survive the screaming and all of the horrible things that the kids say to me when they're throwing a fit. I just put on my headphones, turn up the music so I can't hear the screaming kid, and sing along. Man it is so soothing. =)

Revelation Song by Kari Jobe

Okay But THIS Is Funny...

This evening at our lifegroup the younger kiddo says "Elisa, I don't want my watermelon." I almost said that he needed to eat it because he asked for it and said he wanted cake too so he'd need to eat that first. Something stopped me and made me think I should look first. I came upon this plate where he had taken a good-sized bite out of the rind. Several bites actually. LOL Poor kid. As quickly as possible I explained (while choking back laughter) that he is only supposed to eat the red part. Then I walked away and let loose my hysterical laughter bahahahahahahaha!

Laughter really helps. =)

It's Not The Kids, It's The System

A lot of people think that the most difficult part of fostering is having to give the kids up. Well I'm here to say that that is completely false. I guess for the sake of being "fair" or whatever I should say it's false for me but no. I'm sticking with my original comment. It is false. As far as the kids are concerned that may be the consensus (although most definitely not for me) but for the whole process? No. It is the stupid freaking system.

Oh, and for the record, as far as the kids are concerned? The hardest part for me has actually been keeping them. Not even joking the slightest bit. October 21, 2010 we had 2 little crazy freaking maniacs dropped into our laps and it has been, hands down, the hardest experience of my life. I think it's important that I say that I am writing this having just spent the last 20 minutes listening to a 3-year old call me a "mother f'ing bitch head." Too much real for you? Welcome to my world. That is but a tiny little glimpse of what it's like for me on a daily basis. Granted a lot has changed and compared to how they were when we first got them, they're awesome. But to compare them to the little monsters they were initially doesn't really help because that was a nightmare. Compare them to a well-rounded decent kid? They still come in trailing behind as a major life-drain...and those life-sucking little hooligans are only more difficult thanks to the stupid freaking system.

For the sake of simplicity I will heretofore refer to the stupid freaking system as the SFS. It is an appropriate term so don't even try to tell me to calm down and not be so harsh. I won't! I've been on the receiving end of their fail for long enough to speak with a voice of experience. This is first hand info people...the real deal. The real..EXTREMELY frustrating..deal.

I can simply summarize my feelings towards the SFS with the following words: It has LITERALLY sucked in it's entirety. There is so much fail entrenched in the fostering system it's no wonder people quit after months of doing it. And it's so sad! Here are the agencies and people we have worked with so far...I will not list them by their specific names because that does seem too harsh (somewhere in my angry haze of frustration I can at least be reasonable about that)..but the list looks as follows:

Caseworker

Home Supervisor

Hope Worker

Foster Agency

WIC

DHS (omg)

Therapists (x2)

Visitation Center

Wraparound Program

Supervisor of the Home Supervisors

Primary Care Doctor

Vision Doctor

Dentist

Allergy Clinic

Neurologist

Hospital (for testing)

Daycare (failboat)

Biological Parents

Extended Family

Residential Treatment Center

Guardian Ad Litem

I'm sure I've forgotten (or blocked out) some...

Okay so let's take it up a notch without being too specific. We've had 3 caseworkers, the current one of which we don't even know who it is. We've had several home supervisors but for most of the time we've had temp home supervisors to get by until we got one permanently. That "got us by" for months. In fast our first home supervisor quit and no one told us. We found out from one of the financial people at our agency that I had to contact regarding something else that took me WEEKS to get the answer to. Now we have a new home supervisor that we've never met. They go to the worlds crappiest daycare. Super ghetto and not at all supporting what we value for them. Their bio parents are unreliable and have wasted many hours of my time. They have had preventable run-ins with their bio-extended family. Lame. They've had more visits to a variety of doctors than I have had in my entire life.

Through all of this we have been left completely unsupported by the million agencies and individuals who are a part of the SFS. The people who were so intent on being there for us...really thrilled to be on this journey with us to provide support. Give. Me. A. Break. Without Micah and Becca and the lady who has provided respite for us when we were desperate for a break..I don't know what we would have done. Given up probably. It's so ridiculous. Foster families are getting burnt out all over the place because there is so little support for them. If there was even a smidgen of support from the agencies who should be helping us, it would be so different. But instead, we're left to flounder around, slowly becoming devoid of all energy and sparkle. I'm not even asking for much. Do I need constant help? Nope. Do I need someone to hold my hand? No. I'm simply asking for an answer to my emails...or call me back. Shoot, make sure your voicemail is set up so I can actually leave a message! Toss out a little "working on getting you an answer." For the love...is that really so much to ask? I certainly don't think so. Because without that even little bit of support..those of us actually living with these kids won't make it for long.

I envisioned fostering for years. But instead I'm feeling burnt out after 7 months and it's so sad. I just want to go to someone and shout "HELP ME WANT TO DO THIS LONGER!" Because the Lord knows that I really do want to help these kids. I want to make a difference for them. At least with the kids there is some redemption. Sure they may act like little hooligans, but we can see the change. We can acknowledge the fewer tantrums, the better attitudes, the smoother routines. But for the SFS??? They've got nothing. Nothing to reel us back in and make me feel like it's worth it. They just join in on the fray and pummel away at us until we're so frustrated we can barely stay focused on why we're doing what we're doing.

If you have been taking notes so far, don't. Tear them up and toss them. This is what you need to remember:

1. For the sake of the kids, despite the SFS we MUST still help them. There MUST be foster families who will take in these kids and be willing to deal with the drama they bring as well as the SFS.

2. Roger and I will probably continue to foster despite all of this.

3. This was written under the weight of a rough day.

4. I think it is important to note that out of all of these organizations...the WIC office has been the most helpful and least frustrating. Our WIC lady is wonderful and I appreciate her efficiency.

5. If anyone from any of these organizations is reading this, don't panic. I want to be a part of the solution, even with those who have failed us in the past.

Tomorrow will come and as I tell the kids after a rough day with bad choices and lots of fits.. "tomorrow is a new day and you can try again." Yes, that is exactly what I need. A peaceful night of rest so that we can try again tomorrow for the sake of the children.

A Clearer Picture

Some who read this might think "my, that girl is awfully cynical." Others might be horrified that I could have such a negative attitude about a situation that is sad. Do you know how many times I've heard the "oh but it's so sad for the kids" comment? Or even "well maybe it would help to think about where they come from so you can respond to them with sympathy instead of anger." Who do you think knows that better than anyone else? Probably the person dealing the closest to the kids...i.e. me.

I DO know how awful it is for them. Granted these boys haven't faced what many foster kids have. No intense level of abuse or such intense neglect that they're a third of the size they should be. They weren't burned by cigarettes just to pass the time and they weren't locked in closets for days at a time because they were a nuisance. Their mom is legally blind and has no idea how to handle 4 boys and the chaos was so bad that it created an unsafe environment. Is it still sad that they were taken away? Yep. Is it sad that they were pretty neglected with no guidance and sometimes mild abuse? Yes. OMG DID I JUST CALL ABUSE "MILD?!" Yeah, I did. Because to understand how to handle them, we have to understand where they're coming from. No amount of abuse is acceptable, but what they suffered has not left them mentally crippled and shattered inside. It has left them crazy little hooligans who would freak out like absolute maniacs if we followed through with an "if-then" warning. They had no idea what it was like to have a parent follow through.

Of course I empathize with their situation...I also know their situation REALLY well by now. and what these kids have needed, and gotten, is unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and 6 months of blood, sweat, tears, and exhaustion to help them. So yes..sometimes I am so worn down by it all that I can come across as sarcastic or cynical, but please keep in mind that it is all secondary to the love I have for them. Humor helps me cope and coping is necessary to keep me from going crazy.

Six months ago I thought that I had made the worst mistake EVER. That we were crazy to do what we were doing. What the heck made me VOLUNTARILY take on 2 kids that were so messed up that they couldn't even play together without hurting each other and freaking out every 2 seconds? They took literally EVERY SECOND of both Roger's and my attention. We each had to focus on one and CONSTANTLY re-direct their behavior. They would scream, curse, kick, and spit as soon as they heard "no." Lucky for all of us I am WAAAAY more stubborn than both of them combined (thank you Dutch heritage hehe). So Roger and I stuck with our "no means no" mentality and pressed on. We would spend at least 3 hours a night re-watching shrek with them on the couch until they drifted off to sleep and we could put them to bed. Why? Because when we tried to put them to bed the good ol' fashioned way (tucking them in) it resulted in around 4-5 hours of a screaming, fighting tantrum. It was ugly people. Pure. Ugliness. I had no love for those boys and all I could see was the darkness that was my life.

Somewhere along the way we started to see tiny little bits of sunshine eek through the crazy that was fostering. I said no and what did I hear? "okay." ..... omg..OMG! HE SAID OKAY! Let the celebration begin! In came sticker charts to encourage good attitudes, going to bed like big boys, and not having accidents. Oh, did I fail to mention that they WEREN'T POTTY TRAINED? 3 and 4 years old...talk about lame. Sticker charts were a huge success, especially with the older one. Behaviors changed faster and faster. Reasoning with them became an option. Roger and I figured out how to nip the fits in the bud. We were seeing success and the beauty of it makes me sigh with relief just thinking about it.

Roger and I learned right along with the boys. Yeah. I get it now. I am an impatient person. I am easily frustrated and struggle with letting go of anger. I mean, cut me a bit of slack, it is extremely insulting to have a 3 or 4 year old curse at you like a sailor for hours on end. Or spit at you. Or kick you. But despite the pain and frustration and horror of it all...love has entered in. For me it was a choice, pure and simple. Several weeks (perhaps a month?) in I realized that I couldn't give them the best of myself without creating some affection for them. I practically forced myself to love these boys, but love them I do.

A lot of people have asked me if we would keep them should they become adoptable, and to that I say nothing. I have no answer to that and I'm not even trying to decide either way. I pray for their mom regularly and am trying to be a part of the solution to her getting her kids back and if for some reason it doesn't go that route, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now we're just taking it day by day and seeing where it all leads.

...Of course, if you would have asked me that question about an hour ago in the midst of a major fit by the younger one, I would have looked at you like you had lost your mind...

6 Months In

Roger and I have been fostering 2 boys (ages 3 and 4) since October 21st, 2010. It's probably a good thing that I didn't start blogging about it right off the bat because if I had, no one who read my blogs would ever want to foster...EVER. It was the hardest thing I have experienced so far in my life and while I'm sure God will throw some more curve balls my way, I hope none are quite like that. It was...AWFUL. Thank you Jesus, that I can say "was." If it wasn't for the love and support and shared-suffering of my wonderful husband, I would have had an October 23rd post that said "ya right, I don't think so!" and thus our short-lived experience with fostering would have ended. Fortunately (?) it didn't go quite like that. Granted, we did try to toss the kids back because it was like a little taste of hell, but by the time they found a place for 1 of them, we were ready to keep them both so we didn't take them up on that. Do I regret that sometimes? Yes..yes I do. But for the most part the things I have learned about myself and the love of these little guys is more than worth it (I say while enjoying a much-needed night of respite). Ya know..our foster agency really made an effort to prepare us for having to say goodbye to these kids we'd eventually get that we'd fall in love with so quickly. What we weren't prepared for was to want to send them back so desperately that all I could do to function from day to day since that wasn't happening was cry. Who knew that that hard issue WE would have to face would be wanting to stuff them into an envelope and stamp "return to sender" on it? That was completely unexpected and really hard to mentally adjust to. Aside from how awful it was, we also didn't expect our first placement to be a long-term deal either...

It's hard to capture the last 6 months in a decent amount of time and space on this blog, but suffice it to say, the "omg-where-the-hell-is-my-receipt-I-must-return-them-immediately" mantra that was chanting in my head for quite a large portion of the last 6 months has now faded to only an occasional murmur. Thank God for the small blessings. =)