And the greatest of these is LOVE

Support comes in all shapes and sizes. Tangible, emotional, spiritual...Roger and I are surrounded by every single kind by so many people. Some might weigh one kind of support as more valuable than another, but I don't. Without a balance between the 3 I know there would be a noticeable gap that I would long to have filled.

Tonight I'd like to give a shout out to our parents. Both sets of parents support us in all 3 ways and I couldn't feel more blessed.

 Knowing I can call my mom or dad and ask them to watch the kiddo, knowing it would be more than supervision, is awesome. She won't just be safe physically, she will be tenderly loved and cared for, played with and built up. She'll be safe emotionally and spiritually too. She was bouncing and skipping her way to the car, filled with joy from her time with my parents and THAT is an enormous blessing. So thank you mom and dad for reaching into the heart of a little foster girl and filling it with love and happiness and healing. Your impact is huge. Your loving service so very appreciated. We love you guys. =)

On the yon east coast we have our other set of parents. Distance doesn't stop them from being involved in our care of neglected kids by any means. Today we received a giant box (seriously it was like 20 pounds) of clothes for our 6 year old FD from Roger and Carol and it was filled with adorable clothes. So much pink and purple, every kind of cuteness you could think of. =) On top of that we get messages of  love and prayers sent across the miles. It's incredible. And so so meaningful.

The outreach to us and our foster kids is not limited to our parents of course. My brother and sister-in-law, in fact all of our siblings encourage us to keep up with it, even when it's hard. The moral of this story? We're blessed. Super super blessed...and honestly without these friends and family in our lives I don't think we'd be able to stick with it. God knew exactly what he had equipped us with when he called us into this. Thanks, God =) I appreciate you too.

And the gift goes on (aaaaaand on) and the gift goes on (aaaaand on)...

    It's interesting how the growth of experiencing foster care has not been exclusively ours. It's very much like our entire community of friends and family grow along with us. A couple weeks ago a friend of mine was at an event with me at my foster agency and said that fostering is never something she would be able to do personally. My response was that she reaches these kids and has a huge impact through her support of Roger and I and our close friendship. Truer words were never spoken. Okay, that's not exactly accurate. The Bible is full of true-spoken words...but I liked mine too. =P

   The first go-round of fostering was like a painful mess we stumbled in to. Lots of growing pains to experience and chaos and frustration ..all that good stuff that makes life interesting. Or something. Along with all of that craziness we felt isolated from our friends and even family. It was probably similar to a drowning sensation. Everything smothering joy out our lives. It felt that extreme anyway. I think for those of you who were a part of our lives during that time and knew how the boys were when we first got them, it is a relatively fair assessment I think. On top of that we had NO idea what we were doing both with the kids and with the whole messy system that is foster care. Suffice it to say, that was a learning experience I would never go back to change. Haha. Truly.. I learned a lot of things about myself; some that were encouraging and some that I was not so proud of. All necessary.

  Fast forward almost 2 years into foster care and here we are with our second real placement and it feels so different. The kiddo (a 6 year old girl..just the 1 =P) is easy, our friends and family have been supportive in just the right way that has meant so much to us, and the people working on the case are reasonable people that answer my questions and seem to be working in the best interest of the child. That last part should seem obvious, but it isn't always. Some of the people that are part of "the system" can be horrifyingly dense. Anyway though, I had friends calling me saying they'd love to get together or help watch the kiddo if we needed it, inviting us to mini golf, inviting us to their house to hang out..family offering to run to pick stuff up at the store for me, also offers of dinner together, flexibility in timing of things (yep I'm pretty much always running later than our planned time to leave for work but dear Becca is so patient with me =) )...it's incredible. We didn't know what we needed as far as support was concerned and neither did anyone else. Now through life experience with it all it's as though these people that love us are growing in understanding right along with us. I love it! and even more than loving it, I consider myself SO very blessed by all of these people who support us in a million little and big ways. Who could even fathom this kind of community? I would have never imagined myself where I am today.

    I am amazed, I am thankful, and I love you all very much. =)

Into the Wild

  We got another placement today! It's a 6 year old girl and so far I think she's pretty great. I'm nervous to say that too soon because our first placement was great the first night and it went quickly downhill from there. But she seems super bright, pretty happy-go-lucky, and all-around manageable. It could also be that since there's only one of her it's not quite as stressful with 2 of us. I see hints of the argumentative side of her, but hey..what 6 year old doesn't argue? Seriously..I'm asking. I have no clue. Haha.

  On that note...Roger is going to be gone tomorrow early afternoon for 4 days and 4 nights. THAT isn't what I could call awesome. lol Perfect timing to get a new placement, huh? I will say I'm quite comforted knowing that if I asked, he would come home immediately to help. He's just that kind of guy =) The awesome kind.

  So far the transition with this new little girl seems to be really smooth and I'm so thankful for that. I pray she has sweet, peaceful dreams and it continues to go well. I also pray for her mom and that she will have the strength to do what it takes to take this cute little kiddo home.

  Stay tuned for how this progresses... =)

Aaaaaand We're Back

  Roger and I reopened for placements on July 2nd. When Junior left we took a break before opening for placements on April 1st (not a fool's day joke). We got one SUUUUUPER rough placement that only lasted one night (which really did feel like a fool's day joke). It was rather nightmarish and not something I'd care to repeat. Somewhere in the chaos my heart ached for the boys that needed some special care that we were clearly not able to give..but it was hard to keep track of that empathy while a 4 year was thrashing and screaming on our couch until 3:30am. Suffice it to say that didn't go super well and it made us really wary of taking another placement. I generally float somewhere in between fear of the unknown and a burning desire to reach these kids and love them. We ended up closing again and only being open for respite (which no one apparently needed) through June because June was a crazy-hectic month for us. Pretty much every weekend we had commitments for the duration of the weekend or were out of town.
    Finally July has arrived and our commitments are pretty much non-existent. No time like the present to take another placement, right? So we decided on an age range. We've learned about ourselves and our situation over the last almost-2-years and realized that we need to figure out what works for us or at least try to figure it out. As best as we can figure it with our available space and available finances, kids ages 3-7 would be the best fit for us. In an effort to not limit what God has for us I let them know that we would take any phone calls on kids they thought would be a good fit..3-7 is just our best guess.  It was a bit nerve-wracking opening back up again. We're not going into this with the same so-excited-we-can't-see-straight mentality anymore. We know things now. Not all of them pleasant...
   The encouraging news is that we said yes to a placement this past week. We didn't end up needing to take him because they found a family member but we said yes and that's what counts. =) I'll be honest..I'm practically begging God to go easy on us with the next placement we get. I'm making an effort to pray for His will and pray less out of fear, but it's not particularly easy.

   Update on Junior:

We get to see him! We've seen him multiple times since he went home and it has been great. His dad has told us that anytime we want to see him we can just give him a call and we'll work out the timing. The first time we saw him he was incredibly shy and it took him awhile to warm up. The last time we saw him it was just me and him and we had loads of fun. It's fun to get to treat him like a nephew instead of like a son. More spoiling, less worry about rules and such. =) He's doing really well at home with his dad. Hmm...did I just say home? Uh, yup! As I had hoped my heart and head have reconciled and I am thrilled that he is doing so well. The case is actually closed on him and David so DHS isn't involved anymore. WTG bio-dad! Junior is thriving and we still get to see him and he's an adorable little cutie pie with as much sass as I remember (just look at that picture! No chance can you argue it!). I feel so blessed to be able to look back on the experience with the boys and see the growth in them and us and the hope that comes along with such drastically awesome changes. Spending time with this awesome little guy gives me courage to do it again.

"Home"

Junior went home on December 27, 2011. Home.

It has taken me 22 days to write about this. Every time I thought about what I was going to write, I got hung up on the word "home." When people ask if we still have Junior, I get stuck when I say where he went. Junior went home? No..Junior didn't go home. He WAS home. Our home was his home. His dad's apartment was where he visited on a weekly basis. To answer people's inquiries I generally just mumbled something like "he went to live with his dad permanently.." and trailed off. What else can I say? We would have kept him forever if that was an option. It wasn't.

My heart and my head are still trying to sort out their differences in regards to Junior leaving. A friend of mine was talking about having to move when she goes to school and that she couldn't imagine a smaller place where she couldn't bring her huge dog with her. Coming home from work to that wagging tail and oh-my-gosh-I'm-so-excited-to-see-you of her dog is priceless. That's how I felt about Junior. Life without Junior? What does that even mean? No more going to pick him up from daycare where he'd yell "ELISSSSSAAAA!!!" with a big smile and launch himself into me to give me a hug? No more giggling tickling craziness? No more early mornings where he'd come bouncing into our room ready for a new day? No more Saturday adventures? Listening to him grow and learn and act like the precious kid he is?

It's so quiet now. Other than the irritating barking of my own dog when he gets a little crazy. For the longest time the noise in our home was stress-inducing craziness. One of the kids was always throwing a fit or getting in trouble for something. We loved them both so much, there's no question about that. However it was also quite clear that they did not do well together. Then Angel left. That was really hard. Truly, it was one of the worst ways a kid could leave our home. He has so much potential, but no one to give him a chance. As hard as it was for Angel to leave, the change in our home was incredible. Junior went through a short period of rough adjustment to Angel being gone, but once he settled in to the new routine and the new environment...wow. The noise in our home wasn't screaming and crying anymore. It wasn't fighting or arguing or whining...it was joy. It was laughter. It was the sounds of a little boy that was allowed to be a little boy. Loved and happy and free of the stress of the first 3 years of his life. I loved those sounds..

Now? It's quiet. I feel like there's a solid part of me that is off. Something seems empty. Roger and I are doing great things in our lives. Paying off debt, creating healthy habits, working hard, etc etc etc. And yet...where are the little arms that would give me big hugs while excitedly yelling "let's do a sandwich hug!"? Where's the little voice that would say "PORRRAAAAYYY!" when he was so excited to go cash in his stickers for froyo? Or the little guy that would giggle hysterically at his own joke while asking "Elisa, is that pilarious???" Where is that adorable, sometime-infuriating, precious, loveable, sweet little cuddlebug? He's at home. I'm not sure my heart loves "home"...

My head accepts "home." That's good, right? This is, after all, the point of fostering is it not? To reunite kids with their biological parents when they make great efforts to get them back? I won't get into the irony of the "biological parent" in this situation, however I cannot contest his efforts to get his kids back. Good job "bio"-dad. You did a pretty alright job of getting 2 of the 4 boys back. Honestly it's not so much about where Junior went that I am sad about. Rather it is more about where he is NOT.

My heart says he is not home...my head says he is. I trust that in time they'll come to an agreement.

For crying out loud...

I drive myself crazy with how little I blog. I have always hated that I'm so inconsistent in journaling. My whole life I look back on journals and I have sporadic entries that always start out with "Ugh, It's been way too long since I've journaled." You'd think I'd learn, but no...

Here is where we are at today. Older kiddo was moved out of our house a couple months ago. Good grief was that hard. I have some residual resentment towards DHS for what I consider a paltry effort to find a home for him. They moved him on with a "bummer no one will take him, guess he has to go to a residential treatment center." Like they care. Let's not kid ourselves, shall we? This kid is not a little boy with a big heart with a desperate need for love and stability to them..he's a just a name. One of thousands. If our caseworker is any indication, he's not the top priority for anyone at DHS. So yeah, I say I have some residual resentment but it goes pretty deep...

As far as I know he's doing okay up there. As okay as a 5 year old can be in a setting like that. My heart still hurts for him and especially the fact that we haven't been allowed to see or talk to him yet. It's lame. I feel like he probably feels so abandoned by us. I'll be talking to his therapist this week since I just got a call from her this past week. Hopefully we can see him. I just keep praying for him. With Christmas coming up I can't imagine how sad it'll be to be in an RTC during that time. =( Supposedly they're going to look for a placement that will take him and his older brother in Denver so they can keep going to the same school and seeing their therapists. Not positive on the details of that...

As for the kiddo still with us...we've nicknamed him JB so we don't have to keep calling him "the kiddo." He's doing really really well. For awhile we were having to consider if we'd be willing to adopt him. Well as I've gotten to the point that I can't imagine what our lives would be like without him...his dad has gotten to the point that he's about to get him back. It's a good thing, it really is, but I can't convey with words how hard that is going to be. I feel ill just thinking about how hard it will be to say goodbye. Honestly I'm simultaneously thankful and sad. This is what the system is for...this is how it SHOULD work. Sure a kid gets removed, but then the parent shapes up and gets his (or her) act together and earns them back. Well JB's dad has done so and it is a well-deserve return of the two youngest..the only 2 he wants. I can rest in the knowledge that JB will be home with a dad who loves him and works pretty well with him. It's just hard. He's so cute and sweet and cuddly and loving and precious and silly. Ah hah. This is what it feels like to love a kid that you'd adopt in a second.

I wonder why I finally started to feel this way AFTER it became apparent that he'd be going home. Perhaps God was cushioning my heart so that I wouldn't get hopeful and all excited only to be let down. I'm thankful for that, that's for sure. It's kind of like when I had the miscarriage but never knew I was pregnant. Sometimes it's easier to not get hopeful in a situation that is destined to not work out how we think.

Nonetheless I love that kid very much and will never regret taking him into our home. I don't regret either of them. The sucky system and let-down I've experienced with our agency is all background to the love we've experienced towards and from these special boys. JB is supposed to be going home by Christmas..that's the tentative plan anyway. It's crazy to think that that's less than a month away. Fourteen months of raising this kiddo and it's about to come to an end. My feelings on that could best be described as surreal.

When I was chatting with a coworker of mine about all of this coming up and the transition and such, he asked me "So what have you gotten out of this experience?" To be honest, it's not something I can answer yet. I don't really know how to articulate those thoughts and feelings but I'm working on it. When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know.

Additionally..

I just want to clarify that it is STILL the system that is ruining everything. It is because of the system and the rules that this kiddo is struggling like he is. The courts won't (can't?) do what needs to be done to protect him from the things that bring up these intense, chaotic emotions and experiences... how can he be expected to be well-balanced? He's old enough to know the gist of what is going on, but not old enough to REALLY know what's happening. He wants his mom..but he wants safety (those 2 things do not go together). He wants his older brother, but his older brother is like taking a match to this kids gasoline tank of poor behavior. He's so conflicted and if he could just be taken away from all of the people who remind him of the chaotic life he once lived, he would thrive. I have no doubt about that. But instead, he sees them more and more...while he's not back there permanently yet, he's still caught between these 2 worlds..he's so confused and upset about it. How about stop saying "Well we have to give mom a chance" and give HIM a chance! A chance for a successful life, not a life bouncing between mental hospitals and foster homes. Why does she deserve the many additional chances? She's the one that created these unbalanced kids to begin with! How about let's do what needs to be done for the KIDS...the victims in this case. Not the ADULT that let it all go down to begin with. Ugh...it disgusts me and makes me cry simultaneously. It's so unfair to these little guys...they just need love and stability and permanency. =( He doesn't need people who have similar blood running through their veins. Biology does NOT win over safety and security and the success of a child.

A lifetime

It's hard to sum up where we've been since the last meaty post. It feels like it was a lifetime ago... we were dealing with a 3 and 4 year old. Now we're dealing with a 4 and 5 year old. The 4 year old is incredible...so sweet and thoughtful. He has balanced out and really seems to be secure with us...bonded. Making great choices consistently for awhile now. Granted, he's a kid so he has his issues, but nothing like it used to be. The older kiddo though..

My heart literally feels like it's breaking. I have no idea how it's possible to love someone that inflicts so much pain, but I do. It probably has to do with the fact that he is inflicting pain that comes from intense pain and confusion. He's 5! How can he possibly understand everything going on? He can't..and that just makes it so much sadder. The acting out, aggression, everything..it's coming from such a place of sadness and confusion. However, it's still coming out. He is so very aggressive..angry. Being told "no" or getting corrected for his poor behavior ends in screaming fits of rage where he rants hateful, hostile words...threatening us and lashing out like crazy. He is at the point that he's a safety risk to those around him. He can't go back to daycare because we know he's so unstable he could harm another child (which he has tried doing multiple times).

Then there are times like now. He's trying so hard to be good, make good choices, etc. He's not acting out at all..he's like the kid he used to be before unsupervised visits started with his mom. So sincere, good...such a good heart. I know that this is just for now..the next time something conflicts for him he'll freak out again. It probably helps that the younger kid is at church with Micah and Becca so the older kid has our complete attention. We're encouraged to take him to the hospital the next time he melts down. I don't think I can do that... nothing within what I know of those hospitals says that that will benefit him. What I'm sure WILL benefit him is moving him to a different home. Separating the boys and the older one realizing that he cannot be around others when he is unsafe. But especially breaking that trauma bond they have with each other...bringing him to a place that he can be adopted into when it doesn't work out with his mom. He needs that.

I love him so much. I really do. My heart feels like it's breaking when I think about him leaving...I so want him to be successful and happy. And I want his outward behavior to reflect a peaceful heart. I'll be praying for him no matter where he goes...I hope what we've taught him and the love we've shown him will be something he carries with him forever. He's such a good kid...so smart..so much potential... =(

I wasn't prepared for this placement to end like this....

Tomatoes

Roger was telling me about a conversation he had with the older kiddo. It went a little something like this...

Kiddo: What is Texas?

Roger: It's a state, like Colorado, it's south of us.

Kiddo: Do they have tomatoes in Texas?

Roger: Uhhh yeah.

Kiddo: No like, tomatoes that fly.

Roger: What are you talking about?

Kiddo: *Makes a swirly motion with his finger* Tomatoes!

Roger: Oh! TORNADOES! Yes, they have tornadoes in Texas.

Kiddo: I'm afraid of tornadoes.

LOL Classic.

Frustrations Abound

There are so many things about fostering that I never thought of when I signed up for this. Here are a few of those:

1. When the kid(s) is/are constantly acting up...following through with consequences will really REALLY suck for me.

2. I don't handle the droning crying/screaming/fit-throwing sounds of a child in the middle of a tantrum very well..not when it goes on for an hour anyway. It's like the sound of an alarm clock and those of you who know me know that I go crazy nearly instantly. (And by "go crazy" that means I say "OH MY GOSH THAT SOUND IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!")

3. Typical kid questions can drive me completely crazy. Not their fault, but true none the less.

4. I am capable of very angry feelings towards a child that is technically still in the "toddler" category. That makes me feel like a complete idiot since I'm the adult. It's just that no child should be using those words...

5. I would need coping skills to handle anger, frustration, and stress FAR beyond what I expected.

It's really good to know those things now. Sometimes I am stretched beyond my tolerance for handling the crazy so I need to step away for the safety of all involved. And I do step away. I don't generally like the idea of putting a screaming/crying (not sad-crying but the tantrum I-can't-have-what-I-want type of crying) kid into their room for the duration of that fit because I feel like it sends the message that they should be isolated in their anger. Not quite so healthy. However when I hit that point that I can't respond in a reasonable adult-like way...as I said earlier I will do what I need to do. As the older kids says.. "a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do." Wise words, young one.

That stretching I have been going through can definitely be a good thing. I've learned a lot...become slightly more humble (I could probably do for moving down a few more notches) since I used to think I knew all the answers..and truly I think it has been a really good experience all around. (Painful can be good, just so we're clear..) However...nights like tonight?

I WANT TO SERIOUSLY SCREAM!

Rant inc...

It is SO frustrating having to deal with a defiant 3 year old! OR 4 year old! But tonight that stinkin' younger one...UGH it is SO LAME. I hate hate HATE ending my weekends like that. I just want to say "ENOUGH!" and send him back to where ever he came from! I feel like these kids have some COMPLETELY inaccurate idea of what "being with mom (bio mom)" is like. EVERY time they get in trouble the cry is "I want my mommy." NO. NO you DON'T! They THINK they want their mommy but they don't. Because if they were with their mommy they wouldn't do ANY of the fun things we do with them. They never did before and they wouldn't now. They would be amidst complete chaos. They wouldn't get experience all the stuff they get to with us and they would be back in the miserable situation they were in before! But in their little minds..loving mommy is tied to being back at their house. Except they have NO IDEA what it would really be like. I just want them to go back for one week. ONE. So they can really see what it's like. And if they like it..shoot, hip hip hooray. But they won't. It's not that I want them to be miserable or anything. But to cry for their mom is so obnoxious because they only do it when they're in trouble ALL the time. And yes, I realize it's because they didn't get punished by her so they want the "nicer" option. And I realize that they're kids. But in their childish minds they truly have no idea what they're asking for. And on nights like tonight I just want them to catch ONE LITTLE GLIMPSE of the reality of that situation so they can start chanting something new and different. Maybe try for a "I want out of timeout" line...mix it up a little for crying out loud!

But no. That would be awful for them to be thrust back into an unready situation and I don't ultimately want that of course. It's just SO FRUSTRATING having NOTHING to respond with. And every childish thing going through MY mind I clamp down on hard and...as happened tonight...I need to step away from the crazy and collect myself. I must not (even verbally) give in to the crazy. Because they push and push and test limits and boundaries like little maniacs and if I can't be true to who I want to be as a foster parent, then what's the point in all this?

Sigh. A rough night folks. Truly. It was going so well then BAM! Crap city. I need to go to bed early tonight. Good thing I have a wonderful husband who is helping me relax. In the hardest of times I can always rely on him to be there for me. What a guy. I think the next blog I start will be all about the different ways I love him (lol j/k that silly idea was for my dear aunt who would probably be enthralled with all I had to say about loving my husband. lol).

How I Get By

It's by listening to songs like this that I feel like I can survive the screaming and all of the horrible things that the kids say to me when they're throwing a fit. I just put on my headphones, turn up the music so I can't hear the screaming kid, and sing along. Man it is so soothing. =)

Revelation Song by Kari Jobe

Okay But THIS Is Funny...

This evening at our lifegroup the younger kiddo says "Elisa, I don't want my watermelon." I almost said that he needed to eat it because he asked for it and said he wanted cake too so he'd need to eat that first. Something stopped me and made me think I should look first. I came upon this plate where he had taken a good-sized bite out of the rind. Several bites actually. LOL Poor kid. As quickly as possible I explained (while choking back laughter) that he is only supposed to eat the red part. Then I walked away and let loose my hysterical laughter bahahahahahahaha!

Laughter really helps. =)

It's Not The Kids, It's The System

A lot of people think that the most difficult part of fostering is having to give the kids up. Well I'm here to say that that is completely false. I guess for the sake of being "fair" or whatever I should say it's false for me but no. I'm sticking with my original comment. It is false. As far as the kids are concerned that may be the consensus (although most definitely not for me) but for the whole process? No. It is the stupid freaking system.

Oh, and for the record, as far as the kids are concerned? The hardest part for me has actually been keeping them. Not even joking the slightest bit. October 21, 2010 we had 2 little crazy freaking maniacs dropped into our laps and it has been, hands down, the hardest experience of my life. I think it's important that I say that I am writing this having just spent the last 20 minutes listening to a 3-year old call me a "mother f'ing bitch head." Too much real for you? Welcome to my world. That is but a tiny little glimpse of what it's like for me on a daily basis. Granted a lot has changed and compared to how they were when we first got them, they're awesome. But to compare them to the little monsters they were initially doesn't really help because that was a nightmare. Compare them to a well-rounded decent kid? They still come in trailing behind as a major life-drain...and those life-sucking little hooligans are only more difficult thanks to the stupid freaking system.

For the sake of simplicity I will heretofore refer to the stupid freaking system as the SFS. It is an appropriate term so don't even try to tell me to calm down and not be so harsh. I won't! I've been on the receiving end of their fail for long enough to speak with a voice of experience. This is first hand info people...the real deal. The real..EXTREMELY frustrating..deal.

I can simply summarize my feelings towards the SFS with the following words: It has LITERALLY sucked in it's entirety. There is so much fail entrenched in the fostering system it's no wonder people quit after months of doing it. And it's so sad! Here are the agencies and people we have worked with so far...I will not list them by their specific names because that does seem too harsh (somewhere in my angry haze of frustration I can at least be reasonable about that)..but the list looks as follows:

Caseworker

Home Supervisor

Hope Worker

Foster Agency

WIC

DHS (omg)

Therapists (x2)

Visitation Center

Wraparound Program

Supervisor of the Home Supervisors

Primary Care Doctor

Vision Doctor

Dentist

Allergy Clinic

Neurologist

Hospital (for testing)

Daycare (failboat)

Biological Parents

Extended Family

Residential Treatment Center

Guardian Ad Litem

I'm sure I've forgotten (or blocked out) some...

Okay so let's take it up a notch without being too specific. We've had 3 caseworkers, the current one of which we don't even know who it is. We've had several home supervisors but for most of the time we've had temp home supervisors to get by until we got one permanently. That "got us by" for months. In fast our first home supervisor quit and no one told us. We found out from one of the financial people at our agency that I had to contact regarding something else that took me WEEKS to get the answer to. Now we have a new home supervisor that we've never met. They go to the worlds crappiest daycare. Super ghetto and not at all supporting what we value for them. Their bio parents are unreliable and have wasted many hours of my time. They have had preventable run-ins with their bio-extended family. Lame. They've had more visits to a variety of doctors than I have had in my entire life.

Through all of this we have been left completely unsupported by the million agencies and individuals who are a part of the SFS. The people who were so intent on being there for us...really thrilled to be on this journey with us to provide support. Give. Me. A. Break. Without Micah and Becca and the lady who has provided respite for us when we were desperate for a break..I don't know what we would have done. Given up probably. It's so ridiculous. Foster families are getting burnt out all over the place because there is so little support for them. If there was even a smidgen of support from the agencies who should be helping us, it would be so different. But instead, we're left to flounder around, slowly becoming devoid of all energy and sparkle. I'm not even asking for much. Do I need constant help? Nope. Do I need someone to hold my hand? No. I'm simply asking for an answer to my emails...or call me back. Shoot, make sure your voicemail is set up so I can actually leave a message! Toss out a little "working on getting you an answer." For the love...is that really so much to ask? I certainly don't think so. Because without that even little bit of support..those of us actually living with these kids won't make it for long.

I envisioned fostering for years. But instead I'm feeling burnt out after 7 months and it's so sad. I just want to go to someone and shout "HELP ME WANT TO DO THIS LONGER!" Because the Lord knows that I really do want to help these kids. I want to make a difference for them. At least with the kids there is some redemption. Sure they may act like little hooligans, but we can see the change. We can acknowledge the fewer tantrums, the better attitudes, the smoother routines. But for the SFS??? They've got nothing. Nothing to reel us back in and make me feel like it's worth it. They just join in on the fray and pummel away at us until we're so frustrated we can barely stay focused on why we're doing what we're doing.

If you have been taking notes so far, don't. Tear them up and toss them. This is what you need to remember:

1. For the sake of the kids, despite the SFS we MUST still help them. There MUST be foster families who will take in these kids and be willing to deal with the drama they bring as well as the SFS.

2. Roger and I will probably continue to foster despite all of this.

3. This was written under the weight of a rough day.

4. I think it is important to note that out of all of these organizations...the WIC office has been the most helpful and least frustrating. Our WIC lady is wonderful and I appreciate her efficiency.

5. If anyone from any of these organizations is reading this, don't panic. I want to be a part of the solution, even with those who have failed us in the past.

Tomorrow will come and as I tell the kids after a rough day with bad choices and lots of fits.. "tomorrow is a new day and you can try again." Yes, that is exactly what I need. A peaceful night of rest so that we can try again tomorrow for the sake of the children.

A Clearer Picture

Some who read this might think "my, that girl is awfully cynical." Others might be horrified that I could have such a negative attitude about a situation that is sad. Do you know how many times I've heard the "oh but it's so sad for the kids" comment? Or even "well maybe it would help to think about where they come from so you can respond to them with sympathy instead of anger." Who do you think knows that better than anyone else? Probably the person dealing the closest to the kids...i.e. me.

I DO know how awful it is for them. Granted these boys haven't faced what many foster kids have. No intense level of abuse or such intense neglect that they're a third of the size they should be. They weren't burned by cigarettes just to pass the time and they weren't locked in closets for days at a time because they were a nuisance. Their mom is legally blind and has no idea how to handle 4 boys and the chaos was so bad that it created an unsafe environment. Is it still sad that they were taken away? Yep. Is it sad that they were pretty neglected with no guidance and sometimes mild abuse? Yes. OMG DID I JUST CALL ABUSE "MILD?!" Yeah, I did. Because to understand how to handle them, we have to understand where they're coming from. No amount of abuse is acceptable, but what they suffered has not left them mentally crippled and shattered inside. It has left them crazy little hooligans who would freak out like absolute maniacs if we followed through with an "if-then" warning. They had no idea what it was like to have a parent follow through.

Of course I empathize with their situation...I also know their situation REALLY well by now. and what these kids have needed, and gotten, is unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and 6 months of blood, sweat, tears, and exhaustion to help them. So yes..sometimes I am so worn down by it all that I can come across as sarcastic or cynical, but please keep in mind that it is all secondary to the love I have for them. Humor helps me cope and coping is necessary to keep me from going crazy.

Six months ago I thought that I had made the worst mistake EVER. That we were crazy to do what we were doing. What the heck made me VOLUNTARILY take on 2 kids that were so messed up that they couldn't even play together without hurting each other and freaking out every 2 seconds? They took literally EVERY SECOND of both Roger's and my attention. We each had to focus on one and CONSTANTLY re-direct their behavior. They would scream, curse, kick, and spit as soon as they heard "no." Lucky for all of us I am WAAAAY more stubborn than both of them combined (thank you Dutch heritage hehe). So Roger and I stuck with our "no means no" mentality and pressed on. We would spend at least 3 hours a night re-watching shrek with them on the couch until they drifted off to sleep and we could put them to bed. Why? Because when we tried to put them to bed the good ol' fashioned way (tucking them in) it resulted in around 4-5 hours of a screaming, fighting tantrum. It was ugly people. Pure. Ugliness. I had no love for those boys and all I could see was the darkness that was my life.

Somewhere along the way we started to see tiny little bits of sunshine eek through the crazy that was fostering. I said no and what did I hear? "okay." ..... omg..OMG! HE SAID OKAY! Let the celebration begin! In came sticker charts to encourage good attitudes, going to bed like big boys, and not having accidents. Oh, did I fail to mention that they WEREN'T POTTY TRAINED? 3 and 4 years old...talk about lame. Sticker charts were a huge success, especially with the older one. Behaviors changed faster and faster. Reasoning with them became an option. Roger and I figured out how to nip the fits in the bud. We were seeing success and the beauty of it makes me sigh with relief just thinking about it.

Roger and I learned right along with the boys. Yeah. I get it now. I am an impatient person. I am easily frustrated and struggle with letting go of anger. I mean, cut me a bit of slack, it is extremely insulting to have a 3 or 4 year old curse at you like a sailor for hours on end. Or spit at you. Or kick you. But despite the pain and frustration and horror of it all...love has entered in. For me it was a choice, pure and simple. Several weeks (perhaps a month?) in I realized that I couldn't give them the best of myself without creating some affection for them. I practically forced myself to love these boys, but love them I do.

A lot of people have asked me if we would keep them should they become adoptable, and to that I say nothing. I have no answer to that and I'm not even trying to decide either way. I pray for their mom regularly and am trying to be a part of the solution to her getting her kids back and if for some reason it doesn't go that route, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now we're just taking it day by day and seeing where it all leads.

...Of course, if you would have asked me that question about an hour ago in the midst of a major fit by the younger one, I would have looked at you like you had lost your mind...

6 Months In

Roger and I have been fostering 2 boys (ages 3 and 4) since October 21st, 2010. It's probably a good thing that I didn't start blogging about it right off the bat because if I had, no one who read my blogs would ever want to foster...EVER. It was the hardest thing I have experienced so far in my life and while I'm sure God will throw some more curve balls my way, I hope none are quite like that. It was...AWFUL. Thank you Jesus, that I can say "was." If it wasn't for the love and support and shared-suffering of my wonderful husband, I would have had an October 23rd post that said "ya right, I don't think so!" and thus our short-lived experience with fostering would have ended. Fortunately (?) it didn't go quite like that. Granted, we did try to toss the kids back because it was like a little taste of hell, but by the time they found a place for 1 of them, we were ready to keep them both so we didn't take them up on that. Do I regret that sometimes? Yes..yes I do. But for the most part the things I have learned about myself and the love of these little guys is more than worth it (I say while enjoying a much-needed night of respite). Ya know..our foster agency really made an effort to prepare us for having to say goodbye to these kids we'd eventually get that we'd fall in love with so quickly. What we weren't prepared for was to want to send them back so desperately that all I could do to function from day to day since that wasn't happening was cry. Who knew that that hard issue WE would have to face would be wanting to stuff them into an envelope and stamp "return to sender" on it? That was completely unexpected and really hard to mentally adjust to. Aside from how awful it was, we also didn't expect our first placement to be a long-term deal either...

It's hard to capture the last 6 months in a decent amount of time and space on this blog, but suffice it to say, the "omg-where-the-hell-is-my-receipt-I-must-return-them-immediately" mantra that was chanting in my head for quite a large portion of the last 6 months has now faded to only an occasional murmur. Thank God for the small blessings. =)